Soy alternatives

Though soy is in nearly everything we consume now- there are alternatives.

Vegan Alternatives to soy milk include: Rice milk, almond milk and coconut milk. You can make a sugar free, raw almond milk at home. The main thing to watch out for with the nut milks is they sometimes have high levels of sugars in them- even if not refined cane sugar they are still sweetened with sugars (brown rice syrup for example) and affect the body are should be avoided. Most brands offer unsweetened versions of the pre-made nut milks.

Cows milk: it has its own problems as well but you can purchase organic cow's milk which is a healthier alternative to regular cow's milk for those who still wish to drink cow's milk. In some areas you can get "raw" milk. I don't know much about raw milk as I have never been much of a fan of cow's milk but here is an interesting link: http://www.raw-milk-facts.com/raw_milk_health_benefits.html

I do know that pasteurizing kills bad pathogens and most likely a lot of the beneficial bacteria as well. Here's another interesting link on raw milk and it seems the government is trying to shut it down.
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1598525,00.html

It seems that government wants to keep us away from things that may actually be good for us and just keep force feeding us lies that soy is our miracle food when soy seems nothing more than a poison to our health and our environment.

As far as non-soy meat alternatives that could replace things like veggie burgers and tofurkey products (that I happen to love! :( ) I will keep you posted. I don't know of any yet. If any of you know of any please let me know! I am going to miss my vegan sausages, veggie burgers, tofurkey's. Etc. For Thanksgiving I have the Tofurkey Vegetarian Roast, it is made with organic Tofu. Organic or whole and in moderation is the only way to eat soy foods.

Fermented soy foods though still contain small amounts of toxins/hormones- they are molecuarly different so foods like tempeh and miso are okay to eat. Again in moderation since we are getting exposed to soy in everything else even if we don't even know it!

Soy Replacements for mayonaise include my personal favorite which is vegetarian but not vegan: http://www.farawayfoods.com/lemonaise.html

I still want to eat a mostly vegetarian diet but I do enjoy eating meat from time time. I purchase products from animals fed grains (not soy) and raised on small farms from time to time. The price of meat like that is far more expensive than the commercialized corporate farmed meats but the health benefits outweigh them not to mention the taste! It's far superior. Not to mention you can purchase meats that have not only NOT been given soy, hormones, or antibitics, but the meats do not contain harmful nitrates either!

There are healthier ways, but its up to us to find them. Until the FDA and other government agencies put consumer's health above making money- we cannot rely on them to tell us the truth. Its your health, what could be more important?

A quick post on Soy

I researched the benefits and risks of soy for four straight days. As a mostly vegetarian eater and big fan of soy, I had hoped to find more benefits than risks but what I found was the opposite. I just wanted to post really quick a summary of what I've learned from multiple sources. I will share my paper and sources soon as well.

Other countries have already started removing soy from infant formulas and adding warning labels to other products containing soy. (Israel, France, New Zealand).

Soy was never proven safe, but was added to infant formulas anyway.

Research that prompted the FDA to approve soy to lower cholesterol was based only on one meta-analysis funded by a big soy producer.

The American Heart Association says that soy does not lower cholesterol but the FDA has still not taken back their approval or admitted their mistake in approving soy for that very use.

Low sperm count, birth defects on the male penis, early puberty for females and delayed puberty in males, are some of the serious effects the estrogen mimicking substances in soy have been linked to.

The effects of soy are most severe on infants especially those eating soy based formula- and on infants in the womb during the critical development periods.

In adults of any age problems of the thyroid, and various cancers, pancreas, esophagus are all linked to soy usage as well as increase risk to those with heart disease (the very thing soy is supposed to help it seems it harms).

Soy- it was supposed to be a wonderfood, but it was given an approval from the very agency that is supposed to protect us without sufficient evidence of its safety and unfortunately the evidence is stacking up against soy in very serious ways- not only is it not a health food it is the opposite, it is a poisen.

The processing most soy proteins used in vegetarian foods leaves the soy with high levels of aluminum. Aluminum has been linked to alzheimers. Not to mention the more processed a food is the less healthy it is for you. To process soy it has to be soaked in acid baths and lots of chemicals processing (not too natural or healthy for us or the environment)

Soy is also very harmful to the environment in other ways, especially genetically modified soy and right now there is not a labelling requirement, so you don't necessarily know if the soy you are using is GMO or not. They don't have to tell you. GMO crops are sprayed with much higher levels of pesticides than others which then leach into the food contaminating the food we eat as well as the earth and species that exposed to those chemicals.

It was awful to read that a food I still have in my fridge right now, is so harmful in so many ways. Especially after trusting that it was safe and healthy. I'm thankful I stopped giving my son soy years ago "just in case" and now I will make the switch as well. It's just better safe than sorry with this much scientific evidence, its not a risk I'm willing to take.

I have been having more health problems since eating "healthier" than I have before, and I now strongly feel there may be a connection with soy. I will see how I feel after eliminating as much soy as I can from my diet.

Soy is in everything and goes by many names so if you want to stop consuming it you will need to learn all of its sneaky disguises and read labels carefully. I just discovered its even in my seasonings! My Vegie seasoning by Spike has soy in it. Soy is in commercial foods like Pizza Hut pizza's, its in paints, shampoos, packaging materials. For someone with an allergy to soy its nearly impossible to avoid.

Our government needs to apologize for endorsing such a toxic product, take necessary steps to remove it from our lives and planet especially the GMO's and stop using the toxic sprays "Round Up" whose side effects on animals and humans are very alarming. Most importantly they need to stop endorsing soy as this miracle food that it is NOT. That is the most frightening thing to me is that this dangerous food with anti-nutrient properties and hormones in it is being endorsed as a health food. What next?

I strongly encourage all of you to look into soy for yourselves, especially those of you who eat vegan/vegetarian diets with soy based meat replacements like veggie burgers, tofurky, soy milks etc. Decide for yourself if the benefit outweighs the risks especially for your children. You cannot trust the FDA to tell you its safe, or the USDA (they have approved soy in school lunches with no limit to how much) so its up to you to research for yourself and decide.

Could it be any more of a Monday from hell ALREADY???!!

Last night I am up till almost one. I decide to sleep in my own room so that hopefully Hiram's alarm clock won't wake me up. Tired and so ready to crawl into my nicely made bed, my arms find that my bed has circular, cold wet spot about 2 feet in diamter on it. Thankfully it is not urine. I'm baffled because I don't know how or when this much water could have ended up on my bed. I can only divise that I must have set my water bottle down on it at some point (which does in fact sound vaguely familiar) and that the lid must not have been screwed on top- thus making the entire 28 oz. soak through my entire bed.

Well at this point not wanting to disturb Hiram I grab Naiyah and an extra blanket and try to sleep diagonally on my bed. That worked fairly well. I wasn't as comfortable as I would have liked but I did sleep. That is, until a pre-programmed alarm on my new Phillips GoLite that I have taken out of the box but have not actually used yet (since we have been blessed with a bright, sunny, blue skied week since it arrived) went off. For the second day in a row, I went to bed around 1 am just to be awakened four short hours later by an alarm I didn't set, and didn't want to go off. An alarm that I thought I disabled yestesrday but here I was this morning fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out why on earth that dumb thing went off again and how to disable it. It appears to be very user-friendly but right now that is up for debate as not being able to simple NOT have an alarm set does not seem user friendly. I better figure this out quickly because so far I'm not nearly as impressed as I thought I would be with this purchase, and like I said, I haven't even used it yet.

Well Naiyah (my puppy) being awakened as well decided it was time to go outside to go to the bathroom- which I strongly detest at this hour in the cold (and the snow) because that just guarantees that I will be comletely awake and unable to get back to sleep once we return inside the house. But nature calls and she is being such a good girl to let me know she needs to go out, standing by the door of my room whimpering and looking towards me desperately. I take her out. She goes pee almost instantly but then refuses to go number two. She wanders around much longer than she usually ever does, especially in just her sweater (fumbling around in the dark I couldn't find her coat). Well she needs to go, and its obvious and she is walking around and circling and circling but then doesn't go and just comes over to me to go inside. Did I mention I am wearing short shorts so at this point I am very cold and now I have to pee? Well we rush inside, I give her a treat and then forgetting (in my semi-conscious stupor) that I hadn't put the baby gate up that we use to keep her from sneaking downstairs I go and use our restroom and leave her unattended. Big mistake- the moment I opened the bathroom door I knew immediately she had run downstairs to go number 2 because that is her thing when its cold outside, and thus why we have to have a baby gate to keep her from going down there. Sure enough just as I came out I heard her running up the stairs. She got a quick "bad girl" as I rushed downstairs to clean up the poo I knew would be waiting for me.

Sure enough she left her calling card on the downstairs bathroom rug. I grabbed some toilet paper and quickly whisked it into the toilet and flushed it, and the toilet was clogged. Not sure how long it had been that way either. Lovely. It's now 5:30 in the morning, I've already been up a half hour and want nothing more than to be back in my bed sleeping and I now have to deal with a clogged toilet. I run back upstairs and grab a pen and paper and write a note advising our roomies to use the upstairs toilet too tired to want to try to unclog the thiing at this hour, and knowing I couldn't risk a flood if I didn't put up a note or clear the clog. I get back downstairs realizing I better get the plunger and take care of this. I just can't trust that even with a note someone won't use it and flood the house and its not worth the risk. (I have learned the hard way with things like this way too many times). So I plunge the toilet and get that taken care of and come back upstairs and try to disarm that damn Golite that started this whole process to no avail.

I cannot figure out how to change the time on the clock, so its still set for 7:00 am EASTERN TIME, which is 5:00 am our time. There doesn't seem to be an option NOT to have an alarm, its either sound, light or both but no option to have niether. WTF? If this is the case this peice of crap can go back to Costco. After being woke up needlessly for the second day in a row on only four hours of sleep- during my final weeks of class when a major paper is due today- I'm not thrilled about this product whatsoever. Don't even care to try its light properties or anything else for that matter, but I will try it and quickly before my time to return it is up because so far I'm not satisfied and this damn thing was $150!!! Not just spare change for me.
I fiddle around with that damn Golite that as of right now (an hour later) I still want to throw under a bus and finally get the alarm to at least be set for noon eastern time, so ten o'clock am our time. I never sleep that late anwyay so having it go off then, for now, shouldn't be a problem.

Oh and don't even get me started on my dumb cat that wouldn't leave me alone for probably a good hour before the Golite woke me up and the subsequent cat-fight that ocurred while I was downstairs plunging our toilet. I am ready to kill or at least rehome two of our three cats right now as well. My door to my room just mysteriously stopped latching saturday evening so the cats manage to sneak in here quite easily. Right now I am barricaded inside my room with a suitcase against the door while one of them tries to break in (quite nosily I might add) and if they try hard enough they will easily be able to push that suitcase over.

I really wish there was somewhere I could just sleep- undisturbed somehow by cats, alarms, even my dog that I adore. I need a small sleep closet somewhere or something. I wonder if even then I could sleep? Seems no matter what I do something gets in the way of that, I feel like I'm cursed to spend my life without the energy I need to do the things I want because I never get enough rest no matter how hard I try.
So that's my day so far- all before 6:30 am on 4 hours of sleep. So much for my master plan to sleep in my room so that I could get good sleep, for the second day in a row. So I give up. I decided to blog/vent about it so I could let it go and use this time to focus on my research paper I haven't written that is due this evening. Perhaps all of this happened to keep my basement from flooding today and to give me a head start on this paper. I don't know but what I do know is that I'm going to be really tired later..and I have class until 9:00 p.m. tonight and usually can't nap so I have to figure out some way of surviving until then.

Tools for fighting off the winter blues!

The usual:
1. Exercise as often as you can, movement is healthy and good for you.
2. Eat a healthy diet, drink lots of water.
3. Get enough sleep, but not too much.
4. Stretch often and be kind and loving to yourself.
5. Avoid sugar and caffeine, and processed foods as much as possible and any other "triggers that may aggravate your delicate mental state during this treacherous time.

Starting with a good, solid, healthy foundation is uber important to fight off the seasonal depression many of us living in cold, dark climates face.

Now the additional tools:
1. Do something that you love, that brings you joy every day, if only for just five minutes.

2. Be grateful- anytime you feel yourself sliding down into the darkness, just think of things you are grateful for. This is a really powerful way to control you state of mind and your mood. When we are grateful there isn't room for any kind of negative thought. For example, when you are grateful you cannot be angry. When you are grateful you cannot be sad. Gratitude is a powerful emotion that overrides those negative ones.

3. Make time for yourself, to nurture, love and appreciate you. Take a short walk, an extra five minutes in the shower, wrap up in a warm blanket and drink a soothing beverage, spend a few minutes reading a book. Watch a funny show. Anything that gives you peace or uplifts your spirits.

4. Avoid negative influences whatever they be, whether it be friends, co-workers, family members. Don't let them kill your buzz, because you are working really hard to control and manage your state of mind right now. If those around you are bringing you down, avoid them. Avoid violent, disturbing, sad images, music and movies, which lead us to number 5.

5. Listen to music that brightens your mood and uplifts you. Music is a very powerful tool in controlling your state of mind. If you start feeling down, losing your motivation and getting depressed, put on your favorite song.

6. Dance- whether you are good at it or not, dancing is good for the body and the soul and it is great way to release negative energy and replace it with positive energy. Any kind of dance will work, even just wiggling around wildy to your favorite song on your ipod. Doesn't matter. The movement is good for you- and your mood.

7. Get tools that can help you- surround yourself with bright colors, such as the new comforter I purchased that is bright orange, pink, green, blue and pink. Just looking at it brightens my day and makes me happy. Get some indoor plants, being around green living things can be very soothing during those long winter months. If you have pets spend lots of time loving them and enjoying them. If you don't have a pet consider getting one. Studies show pets lower blood pressure and have a soothing effect on people who love them. Spend time with people who uplift and inspire you. Read good books, watch funny, entertaining uplifting movies that leave you feeling good after watching them. Get a light box (or make one) to help substitute that sunlight we are missing during the winter season.

8. Focus on the positive around you all the time, and in all things. "Happy Thoughts" and positive affirmations WORK!

9. Do nice things for other people. When you're feeling down is a great time to reach outside yourself and do something nice for someone else. Bake cookies for a friend or neighbor. Participate in a service project. Volunteer at the local homeless shelter. When we are feeling down, others may be as well. By reaching out and giving to others not only can we help brighten their day and show them love- but it brightens our day too. A win/win, and who doesn't like a win/win???

10. Be patient, kind and forgiving with yourself if you slip on the path and find yourself in the dark from time to time.

AND most importantly- never be afraid to ask for or get help if you find you just can't get out of the dark. Call a Dr. and get on medication to get you through if you need it. Call a friend, family, or clergy member. Don't be ashamed to ask for help when/if you need it.

No matter how you may feel, ALWAYS remember you are never alone and like a good friend of mine once said to me "After the darkest nights, always come brighter days".

In a few months the snow will melt, and the flowers will start to pop out of the semi-frozen ground, the birds will start to sing, and it will be spring again!You will be able to pat yourself on the back because you made it through another winter! You can do this! I can do this!

No Bad Days Campaign!

Inspired by Hiram- the man I love, and get to wake up to every single beautiful day. Hiram has no bad days. He wakes up happy everyday. He refuses to focus his energy or intention on negativity. Basically he doesn't let anything get him down. He is a being full of love, joy and positivity, all day everyday. What a beautiful inspiration I've been blessed with.

Yesterday I realized what a gift it is, not having to walk on egg shells around him. After two and a half years together- Hiram still wakes up happy everyday and never has unpredictable or explosive mood swings. I finally realize, it is just not how he operates. It's not because he is better than anyone else, or luckier that he can do this, it is because he made the choice a long time that this is how he was going to live his life.

I realize I too have this power, to choose to have no more bad days. I get to choose to make everyday a good day. I'm not a victim of my circumstances, and just because bad things happen to good people everyday, we all still have a choice how we are going to deal with those bad things that happen to us. Are we going to gripe and complain and be angry, bitter and hold a grudge. Or are we going to feel upset in the moment, let it go and move on. Freeing ourselves to feel happy and free again.

When you say "Good morning" to people say "What's good about it?" If so then answer "Everything!" because even the bad things that happen to us, ultimately are for our higher good. Like the old cliche we've heard a million times says, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger", and any one of us that has survived terrible things in our lives are living testaments to just how true that saying really is.

It's essential not to let all the downers in life bring our good energy and vibrations down. It's difficult not to, especially after they do it year after year. I used to be happy and hyper, laugh and smile all the time, but eventually, people and life broke me down. Now I have to fight to feel that way, and it is a challenge, especially at this time of year. People used to ask me "why are you so happy" with a bitter angry tone. I would always say "because I choose to be". But after years and years of people trying to bring me down, they succeeded. I fell into a deep dark depression that required medication to get me out of.

I knew I was in trouble when I could honestly no longer even remember what it felt like to be genuinely happy. That was a terrifying moment for me because I honestly didn't know if I would ever figure out how to be happy again. I just couldn't find that feeling inside of me.

Fast forward from the past to this present moment. After all the heartaches I've been through over the years, I was granted the most beautiful gift. I found and fell in love with the most beautiful and HAPPY man. A man who is honest, kind, sincere, genuine, LOVING, gentle and beautiful (among many other things on my endless list of good things to say about him!) A man who wakes up happy and even in spite of me, stays that way everyday! What a gift, and inspiration to me.

I get to make the same choice. He deserves to have that in someone too. He shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around me like I have done around other people for so many years. He deserves that same easy breezy carefree attitude and happy energy. He should get to wake up knowing, I will be right there smiling beside him everyday. He shouldn't have to worry what kind of mood I will be in that day. That is a terrible way to live, I did it for most of my life until two and a half years ago.

Happiness is a choice- in every situation and every moment. We cannot control what happens to us but we can control how we respond to it. That doesn't mean we won't feel sadness when a dear friend or family member passes on, or that we won't get angry when someone wrongs us. It just simply means that we don't dwell on those feelings. We feel what we feel, then we let it go. We don't talk about it and vent and keep our energy and intentions on any negative space. Taking it a step furter we eliminate any unnecessary or controllable negative influences from our lives and we make the conscious effort to do the things that bring us happiness and joy.

We make the choice how we respond in any given situation. Do we talk about the bad thing that happened to us over and over and keep our focus on the negative. Or do we let that part go and talk about positive things, how we handled it and how we are moving on? I vote for the latter. Eliminate the negative. Make the conscious choice to be happy and to spread happiness everyday.

A smile, laughter and happiness is contagious. We all share way too much negativity, its time to replace it and start sharing happiness and positivity. Time to remember what it feels like to be happy and feel good. Let's start today. Make today a good day, and then tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. Let's start consciously being aware of the negativity in our lives and replacing it with positivity.

Who's with me??? 365 good days, every year! Find the positive in every situation! Life life to the fullest! Spread the cheer! :)

My next blog post will list tools I am currently using to help make "no more bad days" and to fight of the impending winter blues!

Post CNA, Fall Semester Update

So I did it. I passed with my CNA course with a 4.0. YES that's right, a 4.0. BOOYA! Though the grading system is different than regular 4.0 but still that is the highest grade, and I got it. I received my diploma from Salt Lake Community College and now have it framed on my desk where I see it everyday to remind me why I am doing what I'm doing. I haven't taken my state test yet because they were scheduled out five weeks as it was, and now that so much time has passed and I'm so bogged down with my studying and classes from my current semsester I haven't studied or practiced my skills which, I have to admit is scarying me. I do have plenty of time though in all reality so I'm trying not to let it scare me too much. I believe I have two years to get my state license before I am required to take the class again. It's just been a month and a half so if I register now and start studying I will be just fine.

Thankfully most jobs will allow you four months to get your license upon hiring you for a position. So that is good news too. I am still looking for work and hope to get a job at SDCH. It will be the perfect in between location for me when I start school up at the DATC next spring (if all goes according to plan so keep your fingers crossed for me please! I have already ran into quite a few snags and road blocks with class scheduling, financial aid etc. In fact right now I am still waiting for my student loan money and I did not get a grant this time so that has made things very difficult).

Add to that the fact that I am only taking 10 credit hours, and all at night (which has proven to be a big mistake as I'm not learning as well at night and am super tired and find studying during the day much more difficult. I will NOT be taking night classes from here on out if I can help it) and I am super bogged down with homework/busy work that I can barely fit in my part-time housekeeping job one day a week every other week. I am very worried about how I am going to try to fit in a regular job when taking care of the responsibilities of the house is a job all its own, and one I'm behind on as it is. I seriously don't know how I am going to work and go to school too. Hiram says its okay if I don't work, but really we just can't afford it even with renting out all our rooms in the house. So that causes me a great deal of stress.

So I can't decide which is worse, working or the stress of not working. I am not one to take hand-outs. Never have been never will. I have worked off and on (mostly on) since I was 16 years old. I have worked some jobs I've loved and many I've hated just to pay my bills and buy food. Even when I could apply for financial assistance, I usually haven't. This year I was fortunate enough to get on unemployment, and it was wonderful while it lasted. Now that it is gone, things are tough again. I don't want to work right now, because I am working so hard on school. Getting good grades, and doing well and actually understanding what I am learning is VERY important to me right now. I am working hard to have a good solid foundation for my future classes and for my future career as a Nurse.

I feel a lot of pressure to succeed and there is no time for failure because our plans revolve around my success. We want to move out of state, and we want to have the security net of me having a good job so after supporting me for three long years through school, Hiram can take some time off and relax. We want to know this time it will work when we move because I will already have a job lined up. It takes three years to be a nurse if you're lucky. In my case it will take four, thankfully at the end of this semester marks the end of year one. Perhaps had I not waited so long to go to school, and taken some math, chemistry and biology classes in high school, I may have discovered my interest and ability in these areas much earlier on.

Then again my path is what it is, and I can't change a thing, nor would I if I could. All I know is right now I'm on the right path and things are going really well. It's a lot of hard work, more homework than I could have imagined for an entry level chemistry class, but I know the time and dedication I'm putting into it will pay off for me in the end. It's already time for my first break this coming weekend. Time is going by so fast. This semester will be over before I know it and then after the next break I will be hitting Spring semester hard core.

My plan for Spring semester is all day classes, and I am planning to take as many classes as I can so that I can take less classes and have a bit of a break for summer. Then hit fall hard again to finish up my Associates degree and my nursing pre-requisites so I can start the Nursing program at DATC Spring of 2012.

This is my path.

CNA course update!

So this is it. Tomorrow I am going to my third of four clinicals. I finished my second today, so tomorrow is back to back. It was a hard call to make to go back to back like this but this guarantees I will finish by next Friday which is crucial to my future plans, even though it means I have to give up one clinical at IMC that I was sooo looking forward to. It is however a very good trade off as I am considering pursuing a specialty such as physical therapy or rehabilitation. So this will give me that hands on experience of what that can be like in a geriatric setting. I love St. Josephs. The staff are wonderful, helpful and supportive. My instructor gives us great direction and support. The residents (the patients who live there) are wonderful! They are just such joyous beings and it is truly a blessing to serve and care for them.

I am learning so much. My entire outlook on humanity has changed drastically over these four short weeks since I began this course. I had many doubts and considered dropping the class and not pursuing becoming a nurse at all. Instead I have taken my passion for caring for people and found an outlet for it, that will allow me to earn a living doing something I love and am good at. In the midst of my wanting to give up, I pushed forward anyway, just to see if I could in fact pull through this and complete this course.

The book work and quizzes are no problem- I am sailing through with a solid A. The skills are second nature and mostly common sense for me. I am learning so many new things though! It is quite a heavy work load for five weeks. Upon deciding to complete the course, I have wondered if I would finish by my fifth week deadline. I am right on track. I will be completed with all coursework by Thursday if not before and will finish my final clinical, the one I've been looking forward to since I signed up for the course (at IMC) and then I get to take the state certifications exams! (Right now they are booked a month out which sucks) but in the meantime I ge to take the Nutrition class- and I will be busy preparing for my second semester of nursing pre-requisites. Which is VERY exciting because completion of fall semester will mark my halfway point on my 4 semesters of pre-requisites! Then its University time! :) Transfer to a college to get my Associates degree, my RN and then my BSN. YAYE! Let the good times roll!

Clinicals have been an amazing challenge. After the first one I felt there was no way I could do this. After today, I realize the things I feared most I have come to understand, appreciate and love. I can do this, I am doing this.

My sweet patients just adored me, and I them. It was a wonderful experience to see their innocence and to see them receiving such great care at a crucial time in their lives when their needs usually far outweigh their families ability to care for them. These trained individuals give them physical care, but also emotional, and intellectual. It is a very special and important job and it is my only hope that those I love will be cared for by such loving people and that I myself will have such care if I find myself in a long term care facility someday. It is amazing to think of myself as one of these amazing individuals. The health care staff that made the most impact throughout my life, were the Nurses. Especially when my newborn son had to be taken to the NICU. The Nursing staff in the NICU at Davis Hospital were incredible and inspiring!!! They made such a difference in our lives!

I want to be a person that makes a difference and have been seeking work that has purpose and meaning. I have finally found it. Though the road to get to this career is long and has many challenges along the way, I am finally at a place in my life where I am ready to take on these challenges and to aspire to a new level in my life. I've know I wanted to create something different for a very long time, but I kept making the same choices over and over (which is what I believe Einstein defines as Insanity! and he is so right about that!). I'm doing it differently this time and I welcome the results.

Nursing- I doubted this is what I was born to do, seeing as writing has been the only thing I've ever really know I was born, or destined to do, but I guess all those who suggested Nursing to me over the years were right. I will make a great nurse. One of the best! I'm so very excited about my future career! I do have a long road ahead of me, but it is one I welcome because the time is now. I am seizing the moment, my life! I am taking my life on in ways I never dreamt I ever could, but I am! I am doing it! I am succeeding! It is a beautiful thing! I am going to help people- which is something I love to do!!! This feels right, finally a job that feels right to me. What a blessed and welcome change.

I believe in myself, and I know I can do this.
I look forward to celebrating with you all in 3-4 years when I graduate!!!
As I always like to say! See you on the flip side!

Lately more than ever before in my life I have been contemplating EVERYTHING. Trying to find meaning, trying to understand literally absolutely anything and every single thing, person, place, memory, event in my life. Anything you name it.

More than ever before I am feeling empowered, strong, courageous and ready to take on the world. Still scared of the unknown and what is ahead and if I can cut it when push comes to shove or not, but ultimately the fear isn't getting in my way. The fear is almost what is pushing me forward- the desire to push past the fear, to overcome it, no matter the end result.

Right now everything seems to be a crashing and colliding of past memories, thoughts, dreams, and reality and the spaces in between. My unavoidable quest for the flowing waters of knowledge to quench my endless thirst. I fear I will always search for those waters, and my thirst will never be quenched. Even with all that said, I cannot deny the fact that I am at a place of more awareness, consciousness, and understanding than I ever have been.

Yet I am still filled with endless questions. For now I will allow the answers that are coming to me, to be enough. To satisfy me, if only temporarily, it is enough. It is something and for that I am grateful.

I finally have found some understanding of this hole inside of me that I've been trying to fill for the last 3 years. There is a great imbalance in my life that a part of me refuses to just lie down and ignore. It will not go away. Now at least I know what it is and why it is happening but I don't know how to fill it. That is the new quest. I am no longer just trying to understand why I have these unexplainable longings, but now it is to find a way to make those longings a part of my reality. To balance the scales of my life and to no longer live in this state of sacrificing one thing I love and want for another.

To reclaim something I once knew, and to have the balance I have never had before.

Why is it always so hard to figure out? For others it seems so natural so easy, and here I've spent most of my life with a gift I don't know how to use, and not knowing what to do with myself or my life since I can't do the one thing I truly want.

Until now. Now I have two paths ahead of me and I will walk them both and both will become my realities. I will fill the hole, I will find the missing pieces, I will do it all.

Body Imbalances

Why can't my body just let me sleep. Instead, I can't sleep, then my immune system gets run down and I get whatever is going around. I just don't understand, why can't my body prevent this by just letting me sleep in the first place? Why can't it just shut down and force me to sleep to avoid getting so run down that I get sick. What kind of self-preservation mechanism do we humans have anyway? or perhaps I am just an anomaly in that I cannot sleep to keep from getting sick by getting enough rest even when I try very hard to get enough rest. I have been stressed with Jaiden, school, money the house. I've been having nightmares again for almost two weeks all signs of how my body is processing stress.

The irony is I don't feel that stressed during the day, I felt like I have a good grip on everything, but the fact I'm not sleeping and having nightmares tells me a different story.

Hiram's cousin Peter is in town, and I'm just super bummed to be sick today. I have been looking forward to his arrival and spending time with him while he's here. Hopefully being sick won't prevent me from doing that (too much anyway).

On a random note. I've stopped using antiperspirants. I use deodorant. A great brand www.bubbleandbee.com and its called Pit Putty. It has a wonderfully fresh smell and actually works without chemicals and it is organic. For the first week I didn't sweat much as it appears my pores were still blocked/clogged from years and years of using chemical antiperspirants. But in the last 24 hours, and partly because I'm sick, I've been sweating like crazy and my wonderful new deodorant isn't keeping up too well. As long as I shower or at least wash my pits fairly frequently its not too big of a deal. This is considered the detox period so the sweating should level out to a reasonable level in about 10 days. So no biggie. I can deal with this till then. I am afraid of what all those chemicals do to my body. Studies are showing more and more links between chemicals found in deodorants and series health problems. Humans sweat to release toxins and regulate body temperature. By using chemical antiperspirants are altering our bodies delicate balance.

Which brings me to my next subject related to the bodies natural balance. Hormonal balance. I am on some hormones that are affecting my bodies natural balance but I'm unable to afford to do anything about it right now. I have an IUD- called Mirena and I really want it removed. I have noticed significant changes in my moods, my desires, and my overall feeling of wellbeing change since being on it. I started getting bad headaches almost immediately and as I move through the different stages in my monthly cycle when my hormones normally change- the headaches increase in severity. I also experience blurred vision and dizziness which may or may not be related. It most likely is related though because all of these symptons developed after the IUD and have been healthier than I ever have been these past two years aside from the new side effects that have developed.

I just want my body back. I have dedicated a great deal of my time and energy into creating a healthy lifestyle-and I just want to know what it is like to have my body not be controlled by hormonal birth control. So as soon as I can afford to have it removed, I'm going to and hopefully in time my body will regulate back to what normal hormonal levels should be.

Passion and Profession

What a day! I've accomplished a lot and its still early! Exciting! I think I may skip my math review tonight as I feel it's a lot less annoying for me to just review on my own. My cat just decided to close my curtains, again. Stinker that he is! He finds a way to pull down the clothes pin I use to secure them because he is a little devil and is into everything all the time. Though I will admit he's so cute. I accidentally stepped on him this morning (thankfully not hard) because he had curled up UNDER my hat and vest that were on the ground. Sin is the craziest cat I've ever known.

I find myself so nervous at times about school. I am doing well in spite of getting a late start and being very behind in 2 of my 3 classes. I am full-time, 12 credit hours with my math class accounting for six of those hours, the other two are 3 credits each. I find myself weighing back and forth against the things I wish I could do for a living verses the thing I will do to have security and pay the bills. I wish my only job was to be a homemaker. But that is one full-time job amongst the other two I have. Full-time Mom, and Full-time either worker or student.

I also question if I really do have what it takes to be a nurse. It is no easy task caring for people. My biggest worry is the "gross" factor. Yet since becoming a mom, things that used to gross me out, really don't anymore. The biggest obstacle now is needles. I have to take a phlebotomy class and I'm terrified of it. I hope I can get over that. I'm not sure why it scares me so much, I guess just because I was hurt so badly with needles as a child, I worry about hurting others or having my classmates and I have to practice on one another. Though after all the many, many times I've been through blood withdrawels, I'm now practically a pro at having my blood drawn thankfully. Even typing these words out is making me realize just how NOT scary this really is. Phew, that is a relief. So true what they say, nothing to fear but fear itself.

I do still worry though, 4 years is a long time to be in school, plus the additional time it will take for specialization for a career that isn't my true passion. Though I know this profession will allow me to pursue my passion as I choose to, in my leisure time and with the flexible schedules and demand for nursing, in our failing economy it does give me a lot more security to pursue this path than to pursue art. In a failing economy the demand for art is going to drop (most likely, this is just what I'm figuring). However the demand for healthcare is only rising and the demand for nurses is great, as they are in short supply all across the country.

One of my favorite things about making the decision to become a nurse, is that it will give me the freedom to travel and live anywhere and not have to worry about finding work. I don't have to worry that no one will buy my books, or my designs or my websites. I can still make them anyway because it is what I love, but I will take care of people to pay my bills. I'm also very good at caring for people and love the perfect balance of detachment that nursing allows for me. It's hard to explain because I do care about people but as a nurse, this will be my job to care for them. It's not that I'm doing it because they are my friends or family. It's not like I'm doing it because I have any expectations of them. I'm doing it because I will be great at it, I will enjoy it, and they will benefit from my care whomever they are, whether it be elderly adults, children or infants. Right now I'm planning to pursue caring for the elderly and/or specializing in newborns. Two fields I find will have great security and I truly love working with infants. I am also considering specializing in caring for terminally ill patients. I find such great peace in being able to care for someone prior to their passing, to make their final time here as pleasant as possible.

Now this next statment may sound horrible but I wish that I could be an assistant to Dr. Kavorkian (sp?) and that assisted suicide was legal. We care enough to put our pets down when they are sick or suffering but we will let people suffer for months and even years in loneliness and agony. Horrible, horrible agony that most of us can't even begin to imaginge. To me that is one of the cruelest forms of needless suffering. I think its criminal. So I hope I don't lose anyone's respect here for admitting this, but I think assisted suicide for terminal patients should be legal and I wish I could go into that field to help those suffering patients be freed from their lives of pain a little sooner than they may be otherwise. I know if I was in that boat, I would want to be able to make the call to end my life before having to suffer for years just to die anyway.

but since it is illegal..my wish will just have to stay a wish for now but maybe I can at least try to help make those terminal patients more comfortable until their natural end comes.

My current plan is to get into the CNA classes as soon as possible so that I can start working in the field while I pursue my nursing degree to get experience. Also to hopefully get a job with a company that may pay for my tuition for the nursing program once I finish my pre-requisites so I can be working and have my school paid for too. Might as well take advantage of it if I can since there is a shortage for nurses, many health care companies are offering tuition assistance and for nurses specifically they are paying for the tuition. The best part is that some of them require you to work for them for two years after you finish the program, which I think is great because its guaranteed work after you graduate in the field you are pursuing.Sounds like a great safety net to me!

I've known many people who pursued degrees in things they loved, but those degrees didn't apply to the jobs they ended up getting or careers they pursued. As hard as it is to dedicate this many years of my life to something that is not my ultimate passion in life, I feel it is well worth it. This is something I know I will do great at, and it is something that will allow me the freedom to go back to school and pursue my passions on the side instead of the other way around. It is something I hope I can do for life if I need to. I would hate to pursue art, just to find I can't get a job or make money with it, and have to be back at square one in school all over again. It took me 12 years to figure out a plan for myself and now that I finally have I feel pretty solid in it, aside from the occasional doubts and fears that arise and that usually dissipate once I write them out.

I'm so excited about the move this weekend, and about this new house that Hiram made possible for us. How lovely will it be to live in such a nice home after I have struggled for years living in this one as it became more and more run down, just like I did trying to pay for and maintain it. This place as much as I loved it, literally ran me into the ground. I'm so pleased and grateful to be able to explore this new life in this new home with my partner, the man I love.

It's very exciting to see the desires we had for this dream manifest into reality one perfect piece at a time. And here it is, right on schedule. We are moving forward and moving into our new sanctuary. I am moving forward with school. I'm planning out our yard and garden, plans for the summer and how I'm going to fit everything in. Very exciting!! A perfect reflection of springtime, our life has renewed as well and is continuing to move in a positive and beautiful direction together. If only this wind would stop blowing so hard! YIKES!

No one person has ever influenced or contributed to my life in such positive, healthy and loving ways as Hiram has. Sometimes it really amazes me that it would even be possible that one person could inspire so much positive change in my life. He is just that wonderful though. It is who he is, it is his nature and he wouldn't have it any other way. He creates his reality to be what he wants it to be and that meant gently and lovingly inspiring me, and assisting me in moving forward on my path in the ways I've been struggling to for so long but just couldn't seem to do it on my own. I am finally in school, with his full, loving support. We are moving into this house. It is springtime, we survived another winter.

Our life is a beautiful reflection of what happens when two different people come together, with like minds, hearts and dreams, and who are loving and honest and put out goodness into the universe. It is beautiful and I'm so grateful for him in my life. I think we all search our whole lives to find that perfect relationship, that perfect, beautiful person and that balance that being together creates. It took me a few failed attempts with people I had hoped would be this person to me before Hiram and I found each other. I am so grateful we did find each other. My opposite in many ways, we compliment and we balance each other in this peaceful middle ground that is drama free, loving, open, honest and the most beautiful experience of my life. This is why I call him my partner, because that is what he truly is. My partner, my lover, my favorite person and my best friend. I couldn't ask for more.


In love and gratitude

Coming out of the winter darkness

It feels so good to actually care about my appearance again. To actually have the desire, and will power to actually do my hair and make-up. To actually want to wear a cute outfit instead of my sweats. It feels so good to feel a touch of warmth in the air hinting that spring is just around the corner. And not a moment too soon. My hair had grown out quite a bit since my disasterous cut and was finally around the length I wanted it but thanks to my several perms my hair is super damaged. So today I went over to the Paul Mitchell School and had them chop off a couple of inches to get rid of the damage. It looks pretty good but wasn’t what I wanted, but I like it well enough for now. We are trying to get it back to the a-line that the lady that did it last cut off completely changing my style after I asked her not to.

I got to meet up with one of my best friend's Kim for lunch today at one of my favorite places! It as always great to see her. With our busy schedules its hard to find the time to meet up very often.

My friend Amber surprised me with a care package full of wonderful fresh produce and tofu from the Sunflower Market! I love tofu! I am so excited. She is so amazing! I just love the thought of someone going to the trouble of hand-picking produce for me! What a total sweetheart.

In all of the hulabaloo of fixing dinner last night while trying to sneak in a blog I didn't realize I hadn't mentioned those two amazing things as I had meant to.

Things with the ex have smoothed out now that we have got back to an agreement of joint custody. He is going to try having Jaiden full-time for a while. Since changing to this however it has jumbled up all our lives and Jaiden is now acting out towards me again like crazy after we had made so much progress. It is very discouraging. Lately I’m still so tired, I have very little patience for his behavior but have no idea how to deal with it. I’m trying to focus on the positive, re-direct his energy and give him tons of praise for the good things he does and as much as I can ignore the bad. My usual approach though is to get really upset over the bad which seems to make him act out more. The old routine that bad attention is better than none. Little does he know I will be happy to give him plenty of attention for good behavior if I could just see some. It’s super frustrating. But right now emotionally I need the break. Sadly I wouldn’t need this break if my ex hadn’t done this in the first place but now that he has, I have a monster on my hands again, and my plate is pretty full as it is, there is only so much energy I have to go around. So we are just trying to figure it out for now.

Most likely my ex will bounce him back to me after a couple months like he always does when he realizes just how hard it really is to have Jaiden full-time. My question right now is what to do about that. Do I give him the out like always or do I try and make him keep Jaiden to learn a lesson? Or do I make him sign papers when he gives him back this time, that this time it’s for good. I always want to be here for my son but I can’t keep being jerked around all the time and Jaiden wants to be with his Dad when his Dad wants this- so trying to keep him from having it makes him hate me more it seems. Yet he hates me either way so I just can’t win which pretty much sucks.

On a happier note, It’s official. We are moving, this coming weekend. Everything has worked out perfectly. Just in time as my home is being sold via auction tomorrow. It’s strange to leave this place. This place I have called home for 3 years. It’s strange that is harder in some ways to leave it now, than it was when I moved to Hawaii. Our new place is so beautiful. The entire home has been remodeled so everything is brand new. It is big, bright, spacious and open. It has a lovely big back yard that is fenced and a big covered back porch. I will be planting a garden this year I’m very excited about! We will be living right across from a skate park, a garden and a large park, walking distance to a grocery store, busline etc. Everything is right in reach and will make my new lifestyle (of not having a car) that much easier. It will be interesting adjusting to having roommates again but I feel very hopeful and optismistic we will find great people.
School is going well. I’m still very behind but am catching up quickly. So far my progress is good. My last math test that I was the most worried about, I scored 98%! I am so excited. So far for health I’ve scored 90% on both my tests and 100% on all of my assignments including my first big project that was worth 100 points. I just need to finish reading and taking the exams for 6 chapters but by next weekend another 3 chapters will be due so I have to hurry! I’m definitely running out of time and I need to catch up as much as I can time IS running out! I just got the grades today in health so I’m very excited. I have made it through one whole DVD of my Economics class lectures and am now in the middle of reading chapter three. I’ve got a long way to go but hopefully I can use my spring break as catch up time to get up to date on the class. Having to wait so long to get books this semester really put me behind but luckily my economics class is completely self-paced so I didn’t lose any points for turning in late assignments as nothing is due until the end of the semester. With health I was able to do the first assignments without my book and now am catching up on all the chapter work. It’s proving tougher than I thought, but thankfully these are easier courses.

Its hard to believe I have a whole year of pre-requisites before I even start the nursing program. That is discouraging, but it helps to know it will make getting my bachelor’s faster once I have a lot of these generals out of the way.
I’m feeling very inspired to work out. I’ve been going to the gym again and I love it. I’m also excited to get a new pair of rollerblades, and an LED hula hoop, as well as start designing some hoopdancing costumes. I have been eating really healthy and have found I no longer crave sugar, not even my usual cookies and orange juice. In fact when I eat or drink them they burn my throat and overwhelm me. I truly never thought the day would come as I have had a huge addiction to sugar my entire life. It feels amazing that it no longer has a hold over me. I have never felt so healthy and am grateful for one winter where I only got really sick once (even though I always feel like crap the whole winter, I wasn’t actually sick, just that one time thankfully). I am still not in great shape though, my endurance sucks and I still get cramps before I make it halfway on my rebound work-out. I hope to get back in shape soon though because once the weather warms up a bit more I want to be outside and active as much as I possibly can.

Well I have to get back to my math homework. I have a ton of it!

Understanding myself during the season of winter

The sun shone so brightly today. It was warm and beautiful. It felt like Spring, and I needed it to feel like Spring in the worst way. It felt like magic. The way it does every year in the Spring, when the snow melts, the skies turn blue, the sun comes out and the earth warms up, and becomes to come alive again. It's a feeling that words just cannot fully explain. It is like a true resurrection for me from the death of winter. In spring, like the world I am reborn. Alive, renewed, recharged and energized.

I could feel it in my blood today. I, like the world felt a spark of life rise in me again. I felt myself spark back to life again. In that moment, I understood why winter's are so bleak and why I struggle through them every year. Yes, I know they have a name for this, SADD (Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder). I also understand that for me its something else, something deeper, something more, on a primal, human level. I understand that during the winter, animals hibernate or migrate away to warmer climate, trees lose their leaves, many plants die and the world gets cold and dark and freezes. How arrogant are we humans to feel that we should somehow be immune to this? That what happens to the world, the planet we are apart of, doesn't happen to us? How even I, resist it year after year. Fully aware and fully understanding the power I cannot deny, yet not certain as to how to deal with its hold over me as I fight it again and again. This year, I had no strength to resist and for the first time, I fully surrendered and embraced this experience. I withdrew, and I hibernated, I went into the darkness, and today, I felt, and I saw the light.

Some people do not feel the affects as deeply as others, but those of us who are deeply connected to our world feel it, and are affected drastically by the seasons. Some who do not may consider themselves lucky as this immobilization I feel each year is not something I would wish on anyone. Yet I get it for what it is finally and understand my connectedness to it and appreciate that I allowed myself to surrender to it, even though that is not what I wanted to do. I truly had no other alternative this year. Try as I might, I had no will to fight it, as I already knew the outcome after years and years of this same struggle growing up and spending 30 winters here.

On Valentines Day I felt trapped inside- the outside looked bright, skies were deceptively blue, but that air was still so cold and the snow was still lingering and I cried for Spring feeling truly hopeless that I couldn't endure being trapped indoors much longer.That my spirit really could not endure much longer. I need to be outdoors, to feel the air on my skin, to be free. Living indoors stifles me and shuts me down. I need to be outdoors.

And today, I got a taste, a glimpse of that magic called Springtime. That yearly renewal that my heart so deeply longs for. Now I am filled with hope again and I know its not much longer until my bird sings me the song that hails Springs official arrival here in Utah. I have listened to that bird since before I was even five years old, the House Finch, the tiniest little red headed male that sings his tiny little heart out the most beautiful song I've ever heard. Beautiful because of the sound, but even more beautiful because of what his song means.

What a gift this day was for so many beautiful reasons. My boyfriend giving me his love and attention, seeing my friend Natalie that I haven't seen in years, playing with and walking my puppy, spending time with my family, enjoying this sunshine, watching an amazing movie, studying, feeling hopeful again and alive and so full of love. These are my favorite days. These are the moments in life, that remind us why we are here, and why life is worth living.


I am so grateful for the beautiful gift of this day.

In spite of my madness, I am happy and at peace today..

I am having such a good day and am so happy in spite of my madness, borrowing $130 to buy something that doesn’t even work with my laptop last night- that I’m now stuck with and can’t use. In spite of ordering 10th Edition of the Economics History of America book and receiving the 9th edition which I have waited weeks for and have yet to even start my class because of and now I have the wrong book. In spite of the fact my son drew x’s on my face in some of my pictures’, and drew all over his furniture because he say’s he hates me- (after I spent a great evening with and bought him some toys he has been wanting forever. Can we say spoiled??!! Ugh!). In spite of my ex taking my son away from me and disrupting both of our lives and our routine and stability…AGAIN! In spite of watching episode after episode of the dog whisperer, and various other training programs, and after years of practice, experience and work, I still am not the pack leader to my dog that I love so much and she is challenging me and being so aggressive I nearly have to strangle her to get her to calm down when I try to take her for walks, AFTER 30-45 minutes or running her in the yard chasing tennis balls FIRST! UGH! In spite of this stupid winter that feels like it will never end and endless money problems. In spite of all the stupid choices I seem to keep on making. In spite of not getting my student loan check…YET and we are almost at midterms. In spite of losing my house. In spite of challenges with managing my time. In spite of religious issues and scary dreams and family problems that just came up…AGAIN! In spite of hating holidays and cold weather and being trapped inside. In spite of not having the money to get or do the things I want- In spite of losing my house, in spite of not having a car anymore, in spite of my mountain of debts that are going nowhere.
I am happy.
I am in school moving my life forward. I was able to scrounge up enough money today to treat myself to a hair color, lunch and some treats. I got to go to Paul Mitchell the school for a color today finally (it’s been since end of July that I had my hair colored) and boy did I need it! It looks great, I love the color and I feel better now that it’s done. I spent some quality time with both my Mom and Dad yesterday (not at the same time mind you) and my son. My sweetheart tried to help me get a new desktop tower since my docking station idea flopped and has been working on that with me. Hiram has also been watching The Dog Whisperer with me and helping me with Cloey and just being incredibly loving and supportive of me during my seasonal depression. The sun was shining, the sky was clear and I got spring fever today. I spent as much time as I could near windows today soaking in the warm rays of the sun and day dreaming about spring and this summer! My ex- picked up Jaiden today so I could have a break. I spent quality time with my puppy (even though I wanted to kill her afterwards). I ate four Paradise Bakery Chocolate chip cookies, my most favorite. I had a tasty lunch at Bajio (I splurged today!) and I got a lot of homework done, and am still finishing some tonight and am cleaning up my room/living room to get ready for our big move. I am just having such a nice day where I get to take care of and love on me for a while and have some down time to just be by myself and it is wonderful!!
If all goes well we will be moving in a few short weeks into our beautiful new home. Everything is falling into place perfectly and I truly feel it is meant to be. In spite of all my challenges, I have so much to be grateful for and I am so very blessed. I have all the things that really matter in life and that helps give me the strength to push through any challenge that comes my way and face another day.

Update...

It’s now Sunday, but I started this on Friday. I tried my hand at making homemade vegan sushi last week. That was fun and the sushi turned out fairly well. I will post some pictures later. I was very pleased with how well the rice turned out (grateful for my rice cooker that I use almost daily). I really enjoy cooking our meals from scratch. It takes a lot of planning and time and effort but saves us a lot of money and is a lot of fun. I made enough sushi for us both to eat, and can make it several more times with what we have on hand for less than the cost of one roll at some of the restaurants around here. Not bad! I usually make a fresh loaf of light wheat bread in our bread-maker every day. I am so grateful for all the handy kitchen gadgets my Mom has given me over the years that make my life easier in the kitchen. I am also grateful for a dishwasher. I am excited to get better at cooking. I really enjoy knowing what is in our foods and saving money. It’s also very meditative for me to cook. I really enjoy it. I really like knowing what is in our foods, and like to use the healthiest, minimally processed ingredients as possible. Whole foods.

Last weekend my strange anti-social winter hibernation thing sort of bottomed out. I had a complete emotional melt down. I guess maybe it needed to happen. I was grieving over losing this house, struggling with my usual winter depression plus the added stress of not working and not getting my financial aid yet, not knowing if I was going to get the unemployment or not and starting school for the first time in twelve years. So many big life changes all at once during what is already the most difficult time of year for me. I couldn’t go out and socialize or see anyone even though I wanted to. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Emotionally I didn’t have any energy at all to do it. It’s hard to explain. Hiram went to a friend of our’s birthday party and I stayed home and cried and ate ¾ of an 8x8 pan of brownies. The crying and chocolate did help. The sugar not so much. I was up till 5 am that morning all cracked out from that sugar because I am sugar sensitive anyway but now that I don’t eat sugar anymore it really messed my system up. I was like a junkie and it freaked me out. Needless to say I have steered clear of the sugar since. Don’t need a repeat of that. In fact I cannot have anything with a lot of vitamins or any kind of sugar after about 6 pm at night or I can’t sleep all night. Strange…but at least manageable unlike what I thought was my insomnia as a kid. Which now I look back and realize it was probably triggered by the same thing. The huge amounts of sugar I was constantly ingesting. No wonder I was a hyper-active kid that could never sleep. I was on drugs! The sugar drug!

I’m still having trouble sleeping though, even when I don’t eat sugar or vitamins after six. I’m sure its just because I have a lot on my mind right now. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, I am supposed to pay the government taxes…instead of getting a return and am now having to take my ex- to court.

I filed my taxes just to have them get rejected. Looks like my ex wants to try and file single even though he is not. He doesn’t have a right to claim Jaiden legally since we have no legal agreement and he didn’t support him full-time last year. He also didn’t benefit from doing so, but it makes the difference between me getting a couple grand back- verses having to pay a thousand bucks! I don’t deserve that. I will lose all the deductions I took out to provide for my son last year. I am the one that pays for his expenses up front. My ex pays if and when he wants to. But if I didn’t pay on time up front all the time my son wouldn’t have had daycare and he wouldn’t have health insurance. If Jason refuses then I will just figure out how to let the government know he filed illegally-and go from there. I will not end up paying just because he is greedy and selfish. He shouldn’t be claiming Jaiden anyway. I am the one with a home, Jason lives with family. I am the one with the FSA to pay Jaiden’s daycare when he had it and I am the one that got him and pays for his health insurance on an individual plan. I also play his school lunches, and just the cost of caring for him. I also have Jaiden most of the time even with Jason having him almost 3 months last year during which time his mother supported them, not Jason. It makes me so mad. I wrote him a big email this morning explaining how he owe’s me this because I have always helped him and I’ve been there a lot for him. I am hoping to reach him somehow. Let’s hope he cooperates. Which is unlikely because he has Antisocial Personality Disorder, also know as being a Psychopath.

Going forward though I am refilling our divorce papers, and I will get an attorney if necessary. I filed for full custody and Jason refused to sign so our divorce got dismissed. I will not let him get away with that again. I am the one with full custody and by him claiming shared, he gets to not have to have any responsibility. If he chooses not to pay me his share for Jaiden’s insurance one month, I just have to pay it. It gives him an out to not have to to do the right thing and I have been patient, and given him a lot of chances over the past 2 years since we separated, but I will not continue to do this. It has taken a negative toll on Jaiden. What we thought would work well for him spending one week with me and one week with his Dad hasn’t worked. All of Jaiden’s things are always getting lost, he feels strung out, he doesn’t turn in his homework and he started having accidents and wetting the bed again. Part of the problem is it wasn’t a smooth every other week transition and his Dad is so unorganized. It was more I had him 4 days Jason had him 2 or 3 if that. It was always changing and Jaiden never knew where he would be when.

This arrangement also further enabled Jason’s Psychopath personality the freedom to not be held accountable for his actions like a regular person. If he doesn’t pay his share of Jaiden’s expenses he always knows I will, because I have to because I won’t allow Jaiden to lose his health coverage. So he always has a fall guy. I will no longer be his fall guy. I have finally come to realize there is no reasoning, there is no bargaining with a psychopath and Hiram pointed out the only choice is to do what I have to do with the taxes and court, and cut off all contact with him.
Now that Jaiden is back from Henderson and has been with my full-time again, he has stability in his world again. He is doing better in school, he is turning in his homework. His things are not lost. Here he has his own room and doesn’t have to share his room with his parent like he does at his Dad’s. His things are organized here. He has clean clothes, healthy food and the life a kid his age should have. He’s been having less accidents. Which is exactly why I have to have full custody and why I want full custody. Even working just one night a week Jason can’t be there for Jaiden. He is the fun-time Dad and that is ok because I am not the fun-time Mom. Only once in a while because I’m too busy planning and preparing meals, washing Jaiden’s clothes, helping him with his homework getting to school on time and making sure his life is organized and peaceful. I don’t really have the time or energy to play much but I try to make up for it with coloring, and watching fun shows with him that loves, taking him to parks and on walks. I do what I can, and I make effort to constantly do better. It’s been a challenge because I’m not a naturally organized person, but the more we work at it the better things get and the better my son does emotionally which he deserves. I have no idea what Jason does with his time and why he can’t be there for Jaiden but Jaiden has always had stability with me and he always will because that has always been my top priority.

So I am refilling the divorce papers and asking for full custody again and if he contests I am getting an attorney and taking him to court because I deserve to be divorced from this man. I need to get an attorney experienced in dealing with the Psychopath personality. I finally realize, and accept that everything my ex-husband has been telling me about himself for years is true and its time to break this cycle once and for all. I have gone through enough with him over the past 10 years. I am done. I will not let my son’s well-being fall by the wayside because Jason thinks he deserves shared custody and I will not allow or enable my ex-husband to be to be able to do what he wants when it comes to sharing the bills and expenses for Jaiden anymore. I will do what I always have since Jaiden was 15 months old. I will pay for everything and I will claim him on my taxes since I am supporting him and Jason won’t be able to do anything about it. He brought this on himself and has no one to blame but himself for not being able to have the privilege of shared custody. He blew it.

Knowing what I do now and finally coming to terms with his disease- is really frightening because I know what I’m up against. There’s not much one can do against a psychopath but I feel that I’ve already been through the worst so no matter what happens next won’t be as bad. Also whatever happens now will be legal and enforceable and he will finally be made accountable for his actions.

Just when I was at my wit’s end I got unemployment this morning and received back pay for the last two weeks in my account this morning. What a blessing, I was so relieved I broke down crying the moment I saw it had been deposited into my account. I have been busy following up on my student loan, and catching up on some writing, budgeting, planning and facebooking. I now can buy groceries. I was scared as we were running out of everything and didn’t have money to buy more. My mom brought me a big box of canned goods to help get us through in case I didn’t get the unemployment today, and even if I did as I’m so behind on everything there won’t be much money leftover for groceries. It’s a funny thing not having money. Not ha-ha funny but just funny. The things I take for granted like being able to wax my eye browns, or shave my legs or use nice shampoo’s, or get my hair done. It is all things I can live without but haven’t really enjoyed living without. I have found creative ways of using what we have on hand for cooking. Yesterday I made mashed potatoes and creamed corn enchiladas with leftover whole wheat tortillas. Bland but slightly sweet and definitely edible and filling. Then I made food for today last night, homemade black beans and whole grain rices in cream of chicken soup to eat with fresh bread. Kind of like a black bean and rice cream of chicken soup and bread. Not bad. We have stuff for more spaghetti and lots of canned veggies and a little bit of stuff left for some salads. I want to try and stretch it out till Monday if we can so I can carefully plan out where the money needs to go first.

I hope I can buy some of my school books soon but won’t have enough with these first two unemployment checks. I don’t know when I am getting my loan but I really need it soon since I am not getting a tax return now. I’m going to be pretty bogged down studying to catch up my two online classes for the next few weeks but hope to get back on track by the second week of March. I think if I really discipline myself I should be able to do it. I really need to succeed in school. So far I’m doing well in Math but it just keeps getting harder and harder and we keep getting more homework which is making me nervous.

We might be moving into a nice home soon. Once its for sure I’ll update and let you know!

The Family Health History findings and what's next on my path.

My Dad is great and compiled most of what I needed for the family health history and even sent it to me in a user friendly excel spreadsheet. I finished it up over the previous couple of days and yesterday I completed my paper and turned everything in with a few hours to spare.

I learned that nearly every member of my family except my brother and I have high blood pressure, thyroid problems and arthritis, five people have diabetes, several have high cholesterol, a couple had Alzheimer’s, and 1 had Parkinson’s. It's kind of scary to face that. My grandmother had (late onset) Alzheimer's and it was very difficult on our whole family caring for her. It was a mixed blessing when she passed as she had lived a long and full life and for that we were grateful but we were also grateful that she was no longer suffering and nor was our family. Alzheimer's is a cruel curse. I didn't know her father also had it. Now I am scared wondering which of my 5 aunts, my dad or my uncle it may affect. I also worry will it happen to me? I have a lot to learn about this disease but right now I don't want to face it. I chose to do my research paper on high blood pressure.

It feels good to be accomplishing this, working hard on my assignments; even facing things I don't want to face sometimes and my goals to get good grades will pay off down the road. I'm doing the best I can without books for 2 of my three classes and am still in a financial limbo, completely broke for almost 2 weeks now awaiting my student loan-and hopefully some unemployment. It's starting to get to me. As much as I enjoy being home-and I do it is exactly the medicine I needed right now, I enjoy the stability of income and not having to rely on other people to pay my way more. I enjoy not having to borrow money and being able to pay my own bills. I enjoy the independence of having income, paying my own rent, having a vehicle. I miss that a lot. I had hoped I could get enough aid to make it so I could live comfortably without working. I had hoped if I gave up my car, my house and so many other things, that it would free me up enough to live off my grants and hopefully have minimal loans to get me by. My grant didn't cover my full tuition so of course no money for books and to live off of. My loan will help when I get it in another two to three weeks, but it’s less than one month's pay when I was full-time at 406 and it has to hold me over for 4 months. It's not going to work.

My only salvation right now is one of two things. Getting the unemployment I have applied for, or going back to work. I just hope and pray I get the unemployment because I need a little more time before I go back to work to figure some things out. I will ultimately be going back to work no matter what, but I hope it can be running my own small house-keeping business, and/or working in a coffee shop or cafe. Working is the only way. I don't feel good about not having income, not being able to pay my bills and becoming a burden on Hiram. I'm too independent to want or allow someone else to take care of me, even when I need it. It causes me stress and frustration, and ultimately working causes me less frustration. I think I'm going to see if Paradise Bakery is hiring downtown. I got offered a position at the one in Sugarhouse a while back but ended up not taking it and staying where I was due to the pay cut. Now though after eliminating many bills I can afford the pay cut. Stable income is better than no income, and working a job I enjoy is more important than a big pay check. I realize the jobs I loved the most, are the ones that paid the least. As unfortunate as it is, I would rather have less bills, and debts and possessions and have the freedom to be able to afford to work the jobs I love. We spend a great deal of our adult lives working, and in my opinion, it is far much too much time to spend being unhappy. So whatever makes me unhappy has got to go! I spent the last decade experimenting and figuring all this out so I don't have to spend the next ten years doing the same things and ending up not being where I want to be at forty.

The Cleanse and post cleanse Family Health History

Monday night January 19th we ate our “last meal” some tasty homemade Macaroni Grill style pasta with Tofu instead of chicken.  That meal marked the start of our 3 day cleanse also known as the “Master Cleanse” or the “Lemonade diet”.  I cringe at the word diet however, so I shall call it "The Cleanse".

Cleanses allow the digestive system to do what it does naturally and remove toxins from the body.  It allows the digestives system to rest.  The first day was rough-I could feel the toxins coming out, as I felt like I had a slight flu. The second day was better and the third day was great.  I was surprised that my desire to eat food was more of an emotional need than a physical one.  Not eating physically was quite easy- but not going through my daily routines was difficult.  My day revolves around what food I’m making and when.  Literally everything revolves around that.  It’s a time for connecting with and doing something to show the people I love that I care about them.  Cooking is a learning experience for me and I am happy to say I am getting better and better at it.  It’s also a way we eat healthy, and save money by not eating out.

I’m surprised at just how much time and energy it takes to eat healthy, the planning, the shopping, the preparing, the actual cooking, the serving, the eating and then the clean-up.  It takes a lot more time than I ever would have thought, and yet it is worth it.  Now I know what is in the foods I’m making.  I am in control of our health and wellness  and since I can think of nothing more important than our health it is well worth all this time and effort.

I didn’t miss doing the dishes while on my cleanse, in fact I refused to even finish the dishes  from dinner on Monday night until Saturday morning.  I did however miss the energy I put into preparing our meals.  I missed the routine of sitting down together to share a meal with the people I love. I missed that more than any food I actually ate.  I didn’t really crave anything while on the cleanse, except, oddly enough tater tots.  For some reason they sounded so good to me.  Now that I’m off the cleanse I have yet to eat them. We ended our cleanse Thursday morning, by eating a banana and some fresh blue berries.  From there we have started introducing more foods back into our diet.

After feeling the benefits of the cleanse-I have only been eating the healthiest foods I can.  I was already eating pretty healthy before the cleanse, but after the cleanse I have opted not to eat refined sugar and to avoid meat.  I lost 7 lbs in 3 days on the cleanse.  I think I put it all back on since I started eating again but haven't got on the scale yet.

It was bizarre.  It was a bit trippy getting back on the treadmill.  Seems I may have picked up a cold/flu virus my son may have brought home post-cleanse.  I also worry perhaps there may be a blood pressure issue as each time I increase my heart rate for any extended period of time whether it be from hoop-dancing or walking on the treadmill, I feel light headed and dizzy for a few minutes afterwards.

I have to do a family health history for my Foundations of Nutrition class.  I find it challenging at best because I am not in contact with most of my Dad’s side of the family and nearly everyone on my mom’s side of the family is dead.  You may think, well your health is a good reason to contact these relatives. But I find it difficult to use that as my reason for calling them.  Hi we haven’t spoken in more than 7 years, but I need to know personal and specific details about your health.  Yeah...it isn’t going over well for me.

I know I could just use the few family members’ information I have and go from there. The assignment is not specific and doesn’t require that we use ALL of our relatives.  However, because both sides of my family do have a very bad health history, I wonder if it is no accident that this assignment has come into my space at just the precise moment in time where I am noticing some possibly blood pressure related symptoms and nearly everyone in my immediate family has a history of high blood pressure.  My mother’s mother was diagnosed and put on medication for her high blood pressure at just 18 years old.  She suffered with it her entire life. 

I believe the power of the mind and I fear that if I presence all the ills of my family, that my mind will believe I am predisposed to those ailments and that I in fact may get them because of that when I may not have otherwise.  On the same hand I cannot be ignorant to the medical facts, especially if I am planning to go into the medical industry myself.  Ignorance is not bliss if it could have been information that may have assisted me in getting screenings for conditions more often than I would have otherwise because I may be predisposition to certain genetic illnesses.  And that is what this assignment is to do.  It is to help us figure out what pre-screenings may be more beneficial to us because of our family history and it could actually save our lives.  It’s really amazing.  Scary and amazing.

Since health is very important to me as I feel it is my greatest asset, I think it might be time to contact all of the family.  I may not be able to get everything I need from them by the time the assignment is done, and that is ok, but I can get it so that I can draw some very important conclusions about what I may be genetically predisposition to. This will also be information that may be helpful for my son when he gets older as well.

I'm a student!

It’s time for an update. Well kind of long overdue. I try to post daily updates on my myspace and facebook status to try and keep everyone in the know, but really much too much is happening much too fast to really keep everyone up to date.

So here it is! I quit my stinky job I hated at Occurance without actually having another job secured. I had interviewed for a job at my previous employer-didn’t know if I had it or not, but just decided to use the opportunity to get out from where I was and if I didn’t get the job to pursue other courses.

In the meantime while waiting to hear back from the job-I applied and started school. I am now enrolled and attending SLCC full-time, starting my pre-requisites for my pre-requisites. It’s been so long since I took math I had to start at the basics, but I am glad because for the first time I am actually getting and understanding the concepts. Now that I have made the commitment to go back to school I want to get a very solid foundation for all the classes to come as I have some difficult math, chemistry and biology classes ahead of me for the next 3-4 semesters after this one before I even start the Nursing program.

I know that if I do what I’ve always done, I will get the same results I always have, and that is why I am doing everything differently this time around. I could just bluff my way through math with some refresher courses and tutoring and get a passing grade like I did all through Jr. High and High School, but this really matters to me. I want to be successful, and I want to actually really learn and know this information. My professor is amazing and I would highly recommend her to anyone. She has been teaching for 40 years so she knows how to make it as simple and effective for us as possible and I am really grateful for that.

So I heard back from the employer and the company had decided not to hire for the position after-all. But if they open it up in a few months I hope I can be considered then. So in the meantime I am an unemployed student. I received a Pell grant that covered nearly all of my tuition and am waiting to find out the status on my student loan that will hopefully help cover the rest as I have not been able to buy books for 2 of my 3 classes yet. Thankfully those two are online so I do have some time and flexibility but I don’t want to fall behind. I’m very committed to doing my best and getting good grades. In fact my goal is to get my first A in math in a VERY long time! I would be satisfied with a B, but my goal is an A and I’m going to work hard to get it.
I am hoping to get unemployment. I applied and if I could get that it would allow me some time to find a job so I could just mostly focus on school this semester. The job market isn’t great right now and it took me months to find the position at Occurance which I thought would be my dream job and actually turned into a nightmare. I am really trying to block it out of my mind it was such a bad experience. Wow. I am also going to explore any possible financial aid options, as my friend Aryn suggested a few things I will check out to help me during this transitional period and make it so maybe I won’t have to work.

I no longer have a car, I did a voluntary repo to get out from under that loan. It has actually been really liberating. Thankfully Hiram has a good car and lets me use it when I need to so I’m not completely without a vehicle. I also have a free bus/trax pass from the college and luckily Jaiden’s school is walking distance. I actually really enjoy the walk and we take Cloey with us so she gets two nice walks in everyday. She really loves that. She is getting better and better on her leash too. With time and patience she is going to do great. I like the time with Jaiden because we can enjoy the walks together and make the most of the time. I am finding life without a car to be a lot more peaceful. Though I do plan on purchasing a car within a year or so but this time around I am just going to find a cheap beater and pay for it with cash. I have always loved the old VW beetles, so I am thinking about buying one of those. My nursing program is in South Jordan so I think I may want to have a vehicle by the time I start that to save time on such a long bus commute.

I really love being home so I can focus on homework, and taking care of the house and Jaiden more. It has been very good for me emotionally right now. A much needed break. I wish more than anything I could just be a stay at home mom, or at least work at home so I could stay at home. Right now I get a little taste of that again for the first time since Jaiden was 15 months old. I sometimes resent stay at home moms that don’t appreciate what they have because single mom’s don’t have that option to stay home and would give so much to be able to do it. Part of why I took a chance on that job with Occurance. If you make your stats you get to work from home and they made everything look so easy to attain but for me it wasn’t and I just couldn’t do that job as much as I would have wanted to work from home. As a student I am working full-time on my school work but I have much more time to do things like cook and clean because I can do a lot of my school on my own schedule. I usually study all day while Jaiden is in school so that my afternoons/evenings are free to cook and spend time with him and Hiram. I really love it.

Well I am losing my house now, but I have come to terms with it. I have been moving through the grieving process because I love this house, and I love my neighbors, and I love our life and our routine here. It is hard to leave it, but I know its for the best. I know I will have new neighbors, new routines and be just as happy somewhere new, but it scares me. I’m very attached to this place. I really love it here and that is why I chose this little run down house and paid such a high interest rate for it. On the same token I have no more fight left in me, and without working there is no way I can pay even modified payments so its time to move on. I do feel it is really a blessing in disguise to let go of this house. It has been such an overwhelming burden to me. It will feel nice to be freed from it, even though it will ruin my credit after I was so close to finally rebuilding it! But it is the way it goes. Like the Phoenix I am, I get to start over again, and do things differently again. That’s not such a bad thing.

In order to have what I want I have to make some big sacrifices and I am doing just that. I don’t want to spend another ten years like my last, working meaningless jobs and being run into the ground and not making what I should be making, being too exhausted to enjoy my son or spend quality time with him. I’m doing something about it, I’m going to school and I’m going to more than double my income when I’m finished. I am also going to have job security and flexibility to move and work anywhere I want. I’m 30 years old now. Everything that I have questioned for the last decade has become crystal clear to me, and that gift of clarity has given me the confidence and the courage I needed to take my life in this new direction.

One of the good things that came from my Hawaii experience is that Hiram and I decided on a plan. The plan was that I was going to start school fall 2009 to become a nurse. I never would have made that decision had we not tried to move to Hawaii. Though that move didn’t workout and I am back, that plan is still solid and for me it will be a meaningful career that will give me the income I desire, the flexibility to be home with my family that I need, as well as the freedom to pursue my other interests and passions (writing, graphic design, and dancing).

I have to admit I’m terrified to invest so much time, energy and money into school. I will be going to school for the next 5-6 years. That is a LONG time, and I’m not getting any younger here. I wonder if I can handle the demands of nursing. Is this really the right career for me? My true passion is writing/art, but I am also a care-giver by nature. I guess the only way to know is going to be to try. If I can turn my caring nature into a livelihood that gives me everything I want then I have to try it! Fear is just another form of excitement, and really I have never been more excited or ready for anything before.

When I tried college 12 years ago I wasn’t ready. I resented being there. I resented my classes, and I just didn’t even try to be successful. I passed 2 of my classes barely and one I just dropped out of. Now I am ready, I am motivated and I am dedicated. I actually want to be there and I am focused and alert. I enjoy studying and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish my studies, my homework, or an exam. I can’t wait to get my score on my first math exam! My first college math exam! I will get my results this coming Monday. 12 years ago, I wasn’t ready or committed. I was thrust into the adult world fresh out of my sheltered Mormon bubble and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I knew I had had enough of school! I knew I was no longer going to be a part of that or any other organized religion. I knew I had to live life for a while, explore what was out there and figure out who I am and what I wanted. So that is exactly what I did.

Though in many ways I wish I would have gone back to school when I had the chance, back when I was single, and could get away with working part-time if at all and my Dad would have paid for college for me. I know I had to take the path I did to be where I am now. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I done anything differently, so I can’t regret the path I took and the choices that made who I am today.