It’s time for an update. Well kind of long overdue. I try to post daily updates on my myspace and facebook status to try and keep everyone in the know, but really much too much is happening much too fast to really keep everyone up to date.
So here it is! I quit my stinky job I hated at Occurance without actually having another job secured. I had interviewed for a job at my previous employer-didn’t know if I had it or not, but just decided to use the opportunity to get out from where I was and if I didn’t get the job to pursue other courses.
In the meantime while waiting to hear back from the job-I applied and started school. I am now enrolled and attending SLCC full-time, starting my pre-requisites for my pre-requisites. It’s been so long since I took math I had to start at the basics, but I am glad because for the first time I am actually getting and understanding the concepts. Now that I have made the commitment to go back to school I want to get a very solid foundation for all the classes to come as I have some difficult math, chemistry and biology classes ahead of me for the next 3-4 semesters after this one before I even start the Nursing program.
I know that if I do what I’ve always done, I will get the same results I always have, and that is why I am doing everything differently this time around. I could just bluff my way through math with some refresher courses and tutoring and get a passing grade like I did all through Jr. High and High School, but this really matters to me. I want to be successful, and I want to actually really learn and know this information. My professor is amazing and I would highly recommend her to anyone. She has been teaching for 40 years so she knows how to make it as simple and effective for us as possible and I am really grateful for that.
So I heard back from the employer and the company had decided not to hire for the position after-all. But if they open it up in a few months I hope I can be considered then. So in the meantime I am an unemployed student. I received a Pell grant that covered nearly all of my tuition and am waiting to find out the status on my student loan that will hopefully help cover the rest as I have not been able to buy books for 2 of my 3 classes yet. Thankfully those two are online so I do have some time and flexibility but I don’t want to fall behind. I’m very committed to doing my best and getting good grades. In fact my goal is to get my first A in math in a VERY long time! I would be satisfied with a B, but my goal is an A and I’m going to work hard to get it.
I am hoping to get unemployment. I applied and if I could get that it would allow me some time to find a job so I could just mostly focus on school this semester. The job market isn’t great right now and it took me months to find the position at Occurance which I thought would be my dream job and actually turned into a nightmare. I am really trying to block it out of my mind it was such a bad experience. Wow. I am also going to explore any possible financial aid options, as my friend Aryn suggested a few things I will check out to help me during this transitional period and make it so maybe I won’t have to work.
I no longer have a car, I did a voluntary repo to get out from under that loan. It has actually been really liberating. Thankfully Hiram has a good car and lets me use it when I need to so I’m not completely without a vehicle. I also have a free bus/trax pass from the college and luckily Jaiden’s school is walking distance. I actually really enjoy the walk and we take Cloey with us so she gets two nice walks in everyday. She really loves that. She is getting better and better on her leash too. With time and patience she is going to do great. I like the time with Jaiden because we can enjoy the walks together and make the most of the time. I am finding life without a car to be a lot more peaceful. Though I do plan on purchasing a car within a year or so but this time around I am just going to find a cheap beater and pay for it with cash. I have always loved the old VW beetles, so I am thinking about buying one of those. My nursing program is in South Jordan so I think I may want to have a vehicle by the time I start that to save time on such a long bus commute.
I really love being home so I can focus on homework, and taking care of the house and Jaiden more. It has been very good for me emotionally right now. A much needed break. I wish more than anything I could just be a stay at home mom, or at least work at home so I could stay at home. Right now I get a little taste of that again for the first time since Jaiden was 15 months old. I sometimes resent stay at home moms that don’t appreciate what they have because single mom’s don’t have that option to stay home and would give so much to be able to do it. Part of why I took a chance on that job with Occurance. If you make your stats you get to work from home and they made everything look so easy to attain but for me it wasn’t and I just couldn’t do that job as much as I would have wanted to work from home. As a student I am working full-time on my school work but I have much more time to do things like cook and clean because I can do a lot of my school on my own schedule. I usually study all day while Jaiden is in school so that my afternoons/evenings are free to cook and spend time with him and Hiram. I really love it.
Well I am losing my house now, but I have come to terms with it. I have been moving through the grieving process because I love this house, and I love my neighbors, and I love our life and our routine here. It is hard to leave it, but I know its for the best. I know I will have new neighbors, new routines and be just as happy somewhere new, but it scares me. I’m very attached to this place. I really love it here and that is why I chose this little run down house and paid such a high interest rate for it. On the same token I have no more fight left in me, and without working there is no way I can pay even modified payments so its time to move on. I do feel it is really a blessing in disguise to let go of this house. It has been such an overwhelming burden to me. It will feel nice to be freed from it, even though it will ruin my credit after I was so close to finally rebuilding it! But it is the way it goes. Like the Phoenix I am, I get to start over again, and do things differently again. That’s not such a bad thing.
In order to have what I want I have to make some big sacrifices and I am doing just that. I don’t want to spend another ten years like my last, working meaningless jobs and being run into the ground and not making what I should be making, being too exhausted to enjoy my son or spend quality time with him. I’m doing something about it, I’m going to school and I’m going to more than double my income when I’m finished. I am also going to have job security and flexibility to move and work anywhere I want. I’m 30 years old now. Everything that I have questioned for the last decade has become crystal clear to me, and that gift of clarity has given me the confidence and the courage I needed to take my life in this new direction.
One of the good things that came from my Hawaii experience is that Hiram and I decided on a plan. The plan was that I was going to start school fall 2009 to become a nurse. I never would have made that decision had we not tried to move to Hawaii. Though that move didn’t workout and I am back, that plan is still solid and for me it will be a meaningful career that will give me the income I desire, the flexibility to be home with my family that I need, as well as the freedom to pursue my other interests and passions (writing, graphic design, and dancing).
I have to admit I’m terrified to invest so much time, energy and money into school. I will be going to school for the next 5-6 years. That is a LONG time, and I’m not getting any younger here. I wonder if I can handle the demands of nursing. Is this really the right career for me? My true passion is writing/art, but I am also a care-giver by nature. I guess the only way to know is going to be to try. If I can turn my caring nature into a livelihood that gives me everything I want then I have to try it! Fear is just another form of excitement, and really I have never been more excited or ready for anything before.
When I tried college 12 years ago I wasn’t ready. I resented being there. I resented my classes, and I just didn’t even try to be successful. I passed 2 of my classes barely and one I just dropped out of. Now I am ready, I am motivated and I am dedicated. I actually want to be there and I am focused and alert. I enjoy studying and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish my studies, my homework, or an exam. I can’t wait to get my score on my first math exam! My first college math exam! I will get my results this coming Monday. 12 years ago, I wasn’t ready or committed. I was thrust into the adult world fresh out of my sheltered Mormon bubble and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I knew I had had enough of school! I knew I was no longer going to be a part of that or any other organized religion. I knew I had to live life for a while, explore what was out there and figure out who I am and what I wanted. So that is exactly what I did.
Though in many ways I wish I would have gone back to school when I had the chance, back when I was single, and could get away with working part-time if at all and my Dad would have paid for college for me. I know I had to take the path I did to be where I am now. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I done anything differently, so I can’t regret the path I took and the choices that made who I am today.
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