My Dad is great and compiled most of what I needed for the family health history and even sent it to me in a user friendly excel spreadsheet. I finished it up over the previous couple of days and yesterday I completed my paper and turned everything in with a few hours to spare.
I learned that nearly every member of my family except my brother and I have high blood pressure, thyroid problems and arthritis, five people have diabetes, several have high cholesterol, a couple had Alzheimer’s, and 1 had Parkinson’s. It's kind of scary to face that. My grandmother had (late onset) Alzheimer's and it was very difficult on our whole family caring for her. It was a mixed blessing when she passed as she had lived a long and full life and for that we were grateful but we were also grateful that she was no longer suffering and nor was our family. Alzheimer's is a cruel curse. I didn't know her father also had it. Now I am scared wondering which of my 5 aunts, my dad or my uncle it may affect. I also worry will it happen to me? I have a lot to learn about this disease but right now I don't want to face it. I chose to do my research paper on high blood pressure.
It feels good to be accomplishing this, working hard on my assignments; even facing things I don't want to face sometimes and my goals to get good grades will pay off down the road. I'm doing the best I can without books for 2 of my three classes and am still in a financial limbo, completely broke for almost 2 weeks now awaiting my student loan-and hopefully some unemployment. It's starting to get to me. As much as I enjoy being home-and I do it is exactly the medicine I needed right now, I enjoy the stability of income and not having to rely on other people to pay my way more. I enjoy not having to borrow money and being able to pay my own bills. I enjoy the independence of having income, paying my own rent, having a vehicle. I miss that a lot. I had hoped I could get enough aid to make it so I could live comfortably without working. I had hoped if I gave up my car, my house and so many other things, that it would free me up enough to live off my grants and hopefully have minimal loans to get me by. My grant didn't cover my full tuition so of course no money for books and to live off of. My loan will help when I get it in another two to three weeks, but it’s less than one month's pay when I was full-time at 406 and it has to hold me over for 4 months. It's not going to work.
My only salvation right now is one of two things. Getting the unemployment I have applied for, or going back to work. I just hope and pray I get the unemployment because I need a little more time before I go back to work to figure some things out. I will ultimately be going back to work no matter what, but I hope it can be running my own small house-keeping business, and/or working in a coffee shop or cafe. Working is the only way. I don't feel good about not having income, not being able to pay my bills and becoming a burden on Hiram. I'm too independent to want or allow someone else to take care of me, even when I need it. It causes me stress and frustration, and ultimately working causes me less frustration. I think I'm going to see if Paradise Bakery is hiring downtown. I got offered a position at the one in Sugarhouse a while back but ended up not taking it and staying where I was due to the pay cut. Now though after eliminating many bills I can afford the pay cut. Stable income is better than no income, and working a job I enjoy is more important than a big pay check. I realize the jobs I loved the most, are the ones that paid the least. As unfortunate as it is, I would rather have less bills, and debts and possessions and have the freedom to be able to afford to work the jobs I love. We spend a great deal of our adult lives working, and in my opinion, it is far much too much time to spend being unhappy. So whatever makes me unhappy has got to go! I spent the last decade experimenting and figuring all this out so I don't have to spend the next ten years doing the same things and ending up not being where I want to be at forty.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Cleanse and post cleanse Family Health History
Monday night January 19th we ate our “last meal” some tasty homemade Macaroni Grill style pasta with Tofu instead of chicken. That meal marked the start of our 3 day cleanse also known as the “Master Cleanse” or the “Lemonade diet”. I cringe at the word diet however, so I shall call it "The Cleanse".
Cleanses allow the digestive system to do what it does naturally and remove toxins from the body. It allows the digestives system to rest. The first day was rough-I could feel the toxins coming out, as I felt like I had a slight flu. The second day was better and the third day was great. I was surprised that my desire to eat food was more of an emotional need than a physical one. Not eating physically was quite easy- but not going through my daily routines was difficult. My day revolves around what food I’m making and when. Literally everything revolves around that. It’s a time for connecting with and doing something to show the people I love that I care about them. Cooking is a learning experience for me and I am happy to say I am getting better and better at it. It’s also a way we eat healthy, and save money by not eating out.
I’m surprised at just how much time and energy it takes to eat healthy, the planning, the shopping, the preparing, the actual cooking, the serving, the eating and then the clean-up. It takes a lot more time than I ever would have thought, and yet it is worth it. Now I know what is in the foods I’m making. I am in control of our health and wellness and since I can think of nothing more important than our health it is well worth all this time and effort.
I didn’t miss doing the dishes while on my cleanse, in fact I refused to even finish the dishes from dinner on Monday night until Saturday morning. I did however miss the energy I put into preparing our meals. I missed the routine of sitting down together to share a meal with the people I love. I missed that more than any food I actually ate. I didn’t really crave anything while on the cleanse, except, oddly enough tater tots. For some reason they sounded so good to me. Now that I’m off the cleanse I have yet to eat them. We ended our cleanse Thursday morning, by eating a banana and some fresh blue berries. From there we have started introducing more foods back into our diet.
After feeling the benefits of the cleanse-I have only been eating the healthiest foods I can. I was already eating pretty healthy before the cleanse, but after the cleanse I have opted not to eat refined sugar and to avoid meat. I lost 7 lbs in 3 days on the cleanse. I think I put it all back on since I started eating again but haven't got on the scale yet.
It was bizarre. It was a bit trippy getting back on the treadmill. Seems I may have picked up a cold/flu virus my son may have brought home post-cleanse. I also worry perhaps there may be a blood pressure issue as each time I increase my heart rate for any extended period of time whether it be from hoop-dancing or walking on the treadmill, I feel light headed and dizzy for a few minutes afterwards.
I have to do a family health history for my Foundations of Nutrition class. I find it challenging at best because I am not in contact with most of my Dad’s side of the family and nearly everyone on my mom’s side of the family is dead. You may think, well your health is a good reason to contact these relatives. But I find it difficult to use that as my reason for calling them. Hi we haven’t spoken in more than 7 years, but I need to know personal and specific details about your health. Yeah...it isn’t going over well for me.
I know I could just use the few family members’ information I have and go from there. The assignment is not specific and doesn’t require that we use ALL of our relatives. However, because both sides of my family do have a very bad health history, I wonder if it is no accident that this assignment has come into my space at just the precise moment in time where I am noticing some possibly blood pressure related symptoms and nearly everyone in my immediate family has a history of high blood pressure. My mother’s mother was diagnosed and put on medication for her high blood pressure at just 18 years old. She suffered with it her entire life.
I believe the power of the mind and I fear that if I presence all the ills of my family, that my mind will believe I am predisposed to those ailments and that I in fact may get them because of that when I may not have otherwise. On the same hand I cannot be ignorant to the medical facts, especially if I am planning to go into the medical industry myself. Ignorance is not bliss if it could have been information that may have assisted me in getting screenings for conditions more often than I would have otherwise because I may be predisposition to certain genetic illnesses. And that is what this assignment is to do. It is to help us figure out what pre-screenings may be more beneficial to us because of our family history and it could actually save our lives. It’s really amazing. Scary and amazing.
Since health is very important to me as I feel it is my greatest asset, I think it might be time to contact all of the family. I may not be able to get everything I need from them by the time the assignment is done, and that is ok, but I can get it so that I can draw some very important conclusions about what I may be genetically predisposition to. This will also be information that may be helpful for my son when he gets older as well.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I'm a student!
It’s time for an update. Well kind of long overdue. I try to post daily updates on my myspace and facebook status to try and keep everyone in the know, but really much too much is happening much too fast to really keep everyone up to date.
So here it is! I quit my stinky job I hated at Occurance without actually having another job secured. I had interviewed for a job at my previous employer-didn’t know if I had it or not, but just decided to use the opportunity to get out from where I was and if I didn’t get the job to pursue other courses.
In the meantime while waiting to hear back from the job-I applied and started school. I am now enrolled and attending SLCC full-time, starting my pre-requisites for my pre-requisites. It’s been so long since I took math I had to start at the basics, but I am glad because for the first time I am actually getting and understanding the concepts. Now that I have made the commitment to go back to school I want to get a very solid foundation for all the classes to come as I have some difficult math, chemistry and biology classes ahead of me for the next 3-4 semesters after this one before I even start the Nursing program.
I know that if I do what I’ve always done, I will get the same results I always have, and that is why I am doing everything differently this time around. I could just bluff my way through math with some refresher courses and tutoring and get a passing grade like I did all through Jr. High and High School, but this really matters to me. I want to be successful, and I want to actually really learn and know this information. My professor is amazing and I would highly recommend her to anyone. She has been teaching for 40 years so she knows how to make it as simple and effective for us as possible and I am really grateful for that.
So I heard back from the employer and the company had decided not to hire for the position after-all. But if they open it up in a few months I hope I can be considered then. So in the meantime I am an unemployed student. I received a Pell grant that covered nearly all of my tuition and am waiting to find out the status on my student loan that will hopefully help cover the rest as I have not been able to buy books for 2 of my 3 classes yet. Thankfully those two are online so I do have some time and flexibility but I don’t want to fall behind. I’m very committed to doing my best and getting good grades. In fact my goal is to get my first A in math in a VERY long time! I would be satisfied with a B, but my goal is an A and I’m going to work hard to get it.
I am hoping to get unemployment. I applied and if I could get that it would allow me some time to find a job so I could just mostly focus on school this semester. The job market isn’t great right now and it took me months to find the position at Occurance which I thought would be my dream job and actually turned into a nightmare. I am really trying to block it out of my mind it was such a bad experience. Wow. I am also going to explore any possible financial aid options, as my friend Aryn suggested a few things I will check out to help me during this transitional period and make it so maybe I won’t have to work.
I no longer have a car, I did a voluntary repo to get out from under that loan. It has actually been really liberating. Thankfully Hiram has a good car and lets me use it when I need to so I’m not completely without a vehicle. I also have a free bus/trax pass from the college and luckily Jaiden’s school is walking distance. I actually really enjoy the walk and we take Cloey with us so she gets two nice walks in everyday. She really loves that. She is getting better and better on her leash too. With time and patience she is going to do great. I like the time with Jaiden because we can enjoy the walks together and make the most of the time. I am finding life without a car to be a lot more peaceful. Though I do plan on purchasing a car within a year or so but this time around I am just going to find a cheap beater and pay for it with cash. I have always loved the old VW beetles, so I am thinking about buying one of those. My nursing program is in South Jordan so I think I may want to have a vehicle by the time I start that to save time on such a long bus commute.
I really love being home so I can focus on homework, and taking care of the house and Jaiden more. It has been very good for me emotionally right now. A much needed break. I wish more than anything I could just be a stay at home mom, or at least work at home so I could stay at home. Right now I get a little taste of that again for the first time since Jaiden was 15 months old. I sometimes resent stay at home moms that don’t appreciate what they have because single mom’s don’t have that option to stay home and would give so much to be able to do it. Part of why I took a chance on that job with Occurance. If you make your stats you get to work from home and they made everything look so easy to attain but for me it wasn’t and I just couldn’t do that job as much as I would have wanted to work from home. As a student I am working full-time on my school work but I have much more time to do things like cook and clean because I can do a lot of my school on my own schedule. I usually study all day while Jaiden is in school so that my afternoons/evenings are free to cook and spend time with him and Hiram. I really love it.
Well I am losing my house now, but I have come to terms with it. I have been moving through the grieving process because I love this house, and I love my neighbors, and I love our life and our routine here. It is hard to leave it, but I know its for the best. I know I will have new neighbors, new routines and be just as happy somewhere new, but it scares me. I’m very attached to this place. I really love it here and that is why I chose this little run down house and paid such a high interest rate for it. On the same token I have no more fight left in me, and without working there is no way I can pay even modified payments so its time to move on. I do feel it is really a blessing in disguise to let go of this house. It has been such an overwhelming burden to me. It will feel nice to be freed from it, even though it will ruin my credit after I was so close to finally rebuilding it! But it is the way it goes. Like the Phoenix I am, I get to start over again, and do things differently again. That’s not such a bad thing.
In order to have what I want I have to make some big sacrifices and I am doing just that. I don’t want to spend another ten years like my last, working meaningless jobs and being run into the ground and not making what I should be making, being too exhausted to enjoy my son or spend quality time with him. I’m doing something about it, I’m going to school and I’m going to more than double my income when I’m finished. I am also going to have job security and flexibility to move and work anywhere I want. I’m 30 years old now. Everything that I have questioned for the last decade has become crystal clear to me, and that gift of clarity has given me the confidence and the courage I needed to take my life in this new direction.
One of the good things that came from my Hawaii experience is that Hiram and I decided on a plan. The plan was that I was going to start school fall 2009 to become a nurse. I never would have made that decision had we not tried to move to Hawaii. Though that move didn’t workout and I am back, that plan is still solid and for me it will be a meaningful career that will give me the income I desire, the flexibility to be home with my family that I need, as well as the freedom to pursue my other interests and passions (writing, graphic design, and dancing).
I have to admit I’m terrified to invest so much time, energy and money into school. I will be going to school for the next 5-6 years. That is a LONG time, and I’m not getting any younger here. I wonder if I can handle the demands of nursing. Is this really the right career for me? My true passion is writing/art, but I am also a care-giver by nature. I guess the only way to know is going to be to try. If I can turn my caring nature into a livelihood that gives me everything I want then I have to try it! Fear is just another form of excitement, and really I have never been more excited or ready for anything before.
When I tried college 12 years ago I wasn’t ready. I resented being there. I resented my classes, and I just didn’t even try to be successful. I passed 2 of my classes barely and one I just dropped out of. Now I am ready, I am motivated and I am dedicated. I actually want to be there and I am focused and alert. I enjoy studying and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish my studies, my homework, or an exam. I can’t wait to get my score on my first math exam! My first college math exam! I will get my results this coming Monday. 12 years ago, I wasn’t ready or committed. I was thrust into the adult world fresh out of my sheltered Mormon bubble and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I knew I had had enough of school! I knew I was no longer going to be a part of that or any other organized religion. I knew I had to live life for a while, explore what was out there and figure out who I am and what I wanted. So that is exactly what I did.
Though in many ways I wish I would have gone back to school when I had the chance, back when I was single, and could get away with working part-time if at all and my Dad would have paid for college for me. I know I had to take the path I did to be where I am now. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I done anything differently, so I can’t regret the path I took and the choices that made who I am today.
So here it is! I quit my stinky job I hated at Occurance without actually having another job secured. I had interviewed for a job at my previous employer-didn’t know if I had it or not, but just decided to use the opportunity to get out from where I was and if I didn’t get the job to pursue other courses.
In the meantime while waiting to hear back from the job-I applied and started school. I am now enrolled and attending SLCC full-time, starting my pre-requisites for my pre-requisites. It’s been so long since I took math I had to start at the basics, but I am glad because for the first time I am actually getting and understanding the concepts. Now that I have made the commitment to go back to school I want to get a very solid foundation for all the classes to come as I have some difficult math, chemistry and biology classes ahead of me for the next 3-4 semesters after this one before I even start the Nursing program.
I know that if I do what I’ve always done, I will get the same results I always have, and that is why I am doing everything differently this time around. I could just bluff my way through math with some refresher courses and tutoring and get a passing grade like I did all through Jr. High and High School, but this really matters to me. I want to be successful, and I want to actually really learn and know this information. My professor is amazing and I would highly recommend her to anyone. She has been teaching for 40 years so she knows how to make it as simple and effective for us as possible and I am really grateful for that.
So I heard back from the employer and the company had decided not to hire for the position after-all. But if they open it up in a few months I hope I can be considered then. So in the meantime I am an unemployed student. I received a Pell grant that covered nearly all of my tuition and am waiting to find out the status on my student loan that will hopefully help cover the rest as I have not been able to buy books for 2 of my 3 classes yet. Thankfully those two are online so I do have some time and flexibility but I don’t want to fall behind. I’m very committed to doing my best and getting good grades. In fact my goal is to get my first A in math in a VERY long time! I would be satisfied with a B, but my goal is an A and I’m going to work hard to get it.
I am hoping to get unemployment. I applied and if I could get that it would allow me some time to find a job so I could just mostly focus on school this semester. The job market isn’t great right now and it took me months to find the position at Occurance which I thought would be my dream job and actually turned into a nightmare. I am really trying to block it out of my mind it was such a bad experience. Wow. I am also going to explore any possible financial aid options, as my friend Aryn suggested a few things I will check out to help me during this transitional period and make it so maybe I won’t have to work.
I no longer have a car, I did a voluntary repo to get out from under that loan. It has actually been really liberating. Thankfully Hiram has a good car and lets me use it when I need to so I’m not completely without a vehicle. I also have a free bus/trax pass from the college and luckily Jaiden’s school is walking distance. I actually really enjoy the walk and we take Cloey with us so she gets two nice walks in everyday. She really loves that. She is getting better and better on her leash too. With time and patience she is going to do great. I like the time with Jaiden because we can enjoy the walks together and make the most of the time. I am finding life without a car to be a lot more peaceful. Though I do plan on purchasing a car within a year or so but this time around I am just going to find a cheap beater and pay for it with cash. I have always loved the old VW beetles, so I am thinking about buying one of those. My nursing program is in South Jordan so I think I may want to have a vehicle by the time I start that to save time on such a long bus commute.
I really love being home so I can focus on homework, and taking care of the house and Jaiden more. It has been very good for me emotionally right now. A much needed break. I wish more than anything I could just be a stay at home mom, or at least work at home so I could stay at home. Right now I get a little taste of that again for the first time since Jaiden was 15 months old. I sometimes resent stay at home moms that don’t appreciate what they have because single mom’s don’t have that option to stay home and would give so much to be able to do it. Part of why I took a chance on that job with Occurance. If you make your stats you get to work from home and they made everything look so easy to attain but for me it wasn’t and I just couldn’t do that job as much as I would have wanted to work from home. As a student I am working full-time on my school work but I have much more time to do things like cook and clean because I can do a lot of my school on my own schedule. I usually study all day while Jaiden is in school so that my afternoons/evenings are free to cook and spend time with him and Hiram. I really love it.
Well I am losing my house now, but I have come to terms with it. I have been moving through the grieving process because I love this house, and I love my neighbors, and I love our life and our routine here. It is hard to leave it, but I know its for the best. I know I will have new neighbors, new routines and be just as happy somewhere new, but it scares me. I’m very attached to this place. I really love it here and that is why I chose this little run down house and paid such a high interest rate for it. On the same token I have no more fight left in me, and without working there is no way I can pay even modified payments so its time to move on. I do feel it is really a blessing in disguise to let go of this house. It has been such an overwhelming burden to me. It will feel nice to be freed from it, even though it will ruin my credit after I was so close to finally rebuilding it! But it is the way it goes. Like the Phoenix I am, I get to start over again, and do things differently again. That’s not such a bad thing.
In order to have what I want I have to make some big sacrifices and I am doing just that. I don’t want to spend another ten years like my last, working meaningless jobs and being run into the ground and not making what I should be making, being too exhausted to enjoy my son or spend quality time with him. I’m doing something about it, I’m going to school and I’m going to more than double my income when I’m finished. I am also going to have job security and flexibility to move and work anywhere I want. I’m 30 years old now. Everything that I have questioned for the last decade has become crystal clear to me, and that gift of clarity has given me the confidence and the courage I needed to take my life in this new direction.
One of the good things that came from my Hawaii experience is that Hiram and I decided on a plan. The plan was that I was going to start school fall 2009 to become a nurse. I never would have made that decision had we not tried to move to Hawaii. Though that move didn’t workout and I am back, that plan is still solid and for me it will be a meaningful career that will give me the income I desire, the flexibility to be home with my family that I need, as well as the freedom to pursue my other interests and passions (writing, graphic design, and dancing).
I have to admit I’m terrified to invest so much time, energy and money into school. I will be going to school for the next 5-6 years. That is a LONG time, and I’m not getting any younger here. I wonder if I can handle the demands of nursing. Is this really the right career for me? My true passion is writing/art, but I am also a care-giver by nature. I guess the only way to know is going to be to try. If I can turn my caring nature into a livelihood that gives me everything I want then I have to try it! Fear is just another form of excitement, and really I have never been more excited or ready for anything before.
When I tried college 12 years ago I wasn’t ready. I resented being there. I resented my classes, and I just didn’t even try to be successful. I passed 2 of my classes barely and one I just dropped out of. Now I am ready, I am motivated and I am dedicated. I actually want to be there and I am focused and alert. I enjoy studying and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish my studies, my homework, or an exam. I can’t wait to get my score on my first math exam! My first college math exam! I will get my results this coming Monday. 12 years ago, I wasn’t ready or committed. I was thrust into the adult world fresh out of my sheltered Mormon bubble and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I knew I had had enough of school! I knew I was no longer going to be a part of that or any other organized religion. I knew I had to live life for a while, explore what was out there and figure out who I am and what I wanted. So that is exactly what I did.
Though in many ways I wish I would have gone back to school when I had the chance, back when I was single, and could get away with working part-time if at all and my Dad would have paid for college for me. I know I had to take the path I did to be where I am now. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I done anything differently, so I can’t regret the path I took and the choices that made who I am today.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The next step forward
Life is too short to waste another moment doing something I hate. Not going to school. Working meaningless jobs that drain my life energy away just too barely scrape by. The endless struggle to work multiple jobs to keep a little house I’m not home to enjoy. What a waste of a precious life, and my precious talents and energy. I’m tired of being too tired to enjoy my life from watching a clock all day waiting for time to go home. Long days where eight hours feels like a thousand, and feel as if they will never end. It happens every time. Every job except the ones I loved, which didn’t pay the bills. That has always been the problem.
I’ve been doing this for years. Well pretty much my entire working life. Today I had a choice to make. Am I going to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results? Am I going to keep stressing out and worrying all the time about bills I can’t pay, and being trapped in jobs I don’t even enjoy just getting by nor am I going to take a risk and do something different. With the economy at the worst it’s been in years it’s a scary time to take such a huge risk. But I am a risk taker. I know that it’s the only way to get the change I need, the only way to create value, to get out of the rut I’m in. It’s the only way. You either have to break out of the path you’re currently on or you will continue doing the same thing and getting the same results until you do. Living life from fear and lack or love and abundance. I choose love.
I am going to do something different. I’m letting go. I’m moving forward in a new way, open to possibilities. I’ve come too far in my personal evolution, with turning 30 tomorrow, and this new year, 2009. I’m not turning back. I know where that road leads, and the end result is always the same. I’m not going to let change scare me anymore. Not going to keep a car or a house that forces me to work long hours at multiple jobs just to break even and that’s if I’m lucky. Usually I’m in the deficit making less than the bills are each month. It is not worth that struggle anymore.
My happiness is more important than any paycheck, any house or any car. Spending time with my family is the most important thing to me. As I woke up this morning contemplating this decision, I saw my friend on MySpace Conscious Flex had posted a blog about this very thing.
It further affirmed I am on exactly the path I need to be on. For the first time, I am not afraid and feel completely at peace about taking such a huge risk. This is the only way. I’m crystal clear about it and I’m coming from that place of love and infinite possibilities where I know the universe will support me.
Thank you universe, Hiram, Jaiden, Conscious Flex and all my beloved friends and family members that have supported me in my many endeavors on my quest to live a passionate and fulfilling life. I invite you and implore your further support on this next step and look forward to sharing this adventure with you.
Much love always-
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