Lately more than ever before in my life I have been contemplating EVERYTHING. Trying to find meaning, trying to understand literally absolutely anything and every single thing, person, place, memory, event in my life. Anything you name it.

More than ever before I am feeling empowered, strong, courageous and ready to take on the world. Still scared of the unknown and what is ahead and if I can cut it when push comes to shove or not, but ultimately the fear isn't getting in my way. The fear is almost what is pushing me forward- the desire to push past the fear, to overcome it, no matter the end result.

Right now everything seems to be a crashing and colliding of past memories, thoughts, dreams, and reality and the spaces in between. My unavoidable quest for the flowing waters of knowledge to quench my endless thirst. I fear I will always search for those waters, and my thirst will never be quenched. Even with all that said, I cannot deny the fact that I am at a place of more awareness, consciousness, and understanding than I ever have been.

Yet I am still filled with endless questions. For now I will allow the answers that are coming to me, to be enough. To satisfy me, if only temporarily, it is enough. It is something and for that I am grateful.

I finally have found some understanding of this hole inside of me that I've been trying to fill for the last 3 years. There is a great imbalance in my life that a part of me refuses to just lie down and ignore. It will not go away. Now at least I know what it is and why it is happening but I don't know how to fill it. That is the new quest. I am no longer just trying to understand why I have these unexplainable longings, but now it is to find a way to make those longings a part of my reality. To balance the scales of my life and to no longer live in this state of sacrificing one thing I love and want for another.

To reclaim something I once knew, and to have the balance I have never had before.

Why is it always so hard to figure out? For others it seems so natural so easy, and here I've spent most of my life with a gift I don't know how to use, and not knowing what to do with myself or my life since I can't do the one thing I truly want.

Until now. Now I have two paths ahead of me and I will walk them both and both will become my realities. I will fill the hole, I will find the missing pieces, I will do it all.